Insignificant

I went to the beach today. And then afterwards I went to the park with Jessie. I missed her.

Walking home, I tried to get lost kind of. I knew where I was supposed to go, where I was supposed to turn, not turn. But I knew that if I just didn't turn I'd get home eventually anyways. So I just walked. My flip flops made it a bit difficult for me to walk, so I flopped around Burien all day. Well, more like an hour.

It started as not turning, then I ended up doing everything in my power make my trip home as long as possible. The heat is intoxicating to me, the sun seeps into my pores and makes me do things I know I'll regret. I wanted to soak in the sun for as long as possible.

I've always wanted to be able to just walk around without reason. But I've been afraid of looking like an idiot wandering around alone aimlessly. But today it occurred to me that I am insignificant. No one who drives by even looks at me, if they do they only see a person walking. They don't question my motives, my destination, they see someone walking and think 'I shouldn't hit that person' I felt free knowing I could wander around alone without feeling awkward. I turned around in the middle of the street wondering if anyone thought about that. They probably didn't. I liked this. I liked being invisible. It didn't matter where I turned, crossed the street, or stopped, no one cared. They only cared if me getting from point A to point B interfered with them getting to their destination. If I had walked in the middle of the street, pressed the cross walk button a thousand times and walked away, or tried to hitch hike, they would have noticed me. But I was invisible because I was allowing myself to blend in.

I've always hated being alone. Something I cant stand without good reason. I just don't like it. But walking around I thought of all the people I could be walking with, and no matter what it would have been awkward because I wouldn't have said much. I like to think while I walk. I can't think and speak at the same time. Yes I can. I do that often. But what I mean is I can't speak without sounding like an idiot and think at the same time. I've never been so content with loneliness.

I didn't think much while taking the long way home, I hardly thought at all. Weird. Me, the overthinker. Just let myself be at peace for an hour.

A few minutes before I got home, I started coughing. I tried to stop, but I just kept coughing.

Then I realized something inside of me didn't want to be invisible.