World War Three.

"Who's your best friend"

Oh, I don't have one

"Why not"

She's long gone.

I catch myself as I spit the words

I stop and look around

It had to be someone else

My apologies come out

without sound

I taste the hate on my tongue

in the things I send your way

I listen to myself

as if I'm someone else

the things anger makes me say

I watch myself reach out

as the monster I am

I shove you away from me.

I shove away the memories

I push the one thing

that had some kind of value to me

I reach out

watch myself

as I'm someone else

and leave my best friend

Now I'm standing in the bleakest corner

of my empty room

starting at the photographs

memories of you

Staring at the one mistake

you wont let me undo

Arms folded neatly

like laundry across my chest

glaring at what I created

staring at this mess.

I stand back

helpless

as one by one

memory by memory

the girl who was apart of me

I watch each one fall.

As each smile hits the cold floor

as cold as I've been to you

I bow my head

hearing over and over

and over again

all that was spit and said

my tears are ice

they break on the floor

I don't want to cry anymore

the fighting is old

the yelling is stale

what started out as wind and rain

is thunder and hail

I regret everytime I spoke your name

the things I said in pain

as I stare at the aftermath

I'm the one to blame

look at what we've done

we're world war three.

to think we were inseparable

identical at heart

to think we sat and swore

we wouldn't be apart

When I stood up on stage

you followed close behind

when I stumbled

messed up

you gave me another try

I listened to your dreams

I heard your tears

I stood with you

fighting fears.

I remember sitting on the bleachers

when I lost a battle with myself

you looked at me and promised

you'd do anything to help

you sat that day

caught me by the eye

"I promise we won't have to say goodbye"

Secrets we whispered

promises made

days where you'd run for cover

while I danced through the rain

I stop myself mid-memory

shake away everything

I look at the phone thrown on my bed

I can press the buttons

make a call

but I stop and shake my head

you wouldn't answer me

we're world war three

flashback to the things I said

I stabbed you in the back

I laughed at you

as I headed down a different track

You stared at me

fought me back

we threw words at each other

I couldn't stop myself

I hated you.

saw you as someone else.

I watch the birthday parties

acting competitions

rehearsals

lunches

mirror pictures

I watch everything that meant something

fall

so silently.

I won't chase you down

I won't swallow my pride

I won't look at you

or apologize

but as I stare at us

ruins of us on the floor

I collapse

I don't want to cry anymore

I don't want to fight this war

"whos your best friend"

Oh, I don't have one.

"why not?"

she's long gone.

...and I want her back.

And I Just Wanted To Say I'm Sorry.

I sat down silently

looked around the room

I promised to be friendly

so I smiled right at you

your eyes lit up, you waved right back

and then I turned away

it took a minute

to meet my best friend that day

Three years ago

three years too short

but now it seems so long ago

you meant everything to me

I just didn't let it show

I jumped on stage

you followed close behind

You never walked away

when I had something on my mind

my best friend

my other half

You cry, I'd cry

then try to make you laugh

I had your smile through the good times

your shoulder through the bad

I have some silly picture

of every memory we had

You were there when Alicia died

even when I couldn't cry

you were there when I said

"I'm fine"

Because you knew it was a lie

I remember sitting through play practice

crying by your side

I was falling apart

you promised not to leave my life

You listened to my mistakes

told me what wasn't right

you read everything I wrote

when I couldn't sleep at night

You got angry when I told myself

I wasn't anything at all

you walked by my side

falling behind to catch my falls

You know my deepest secrets

how to break through my shell

you never got tired of me

you know me too well.

and then I changed,

I became someone you didn't know

I drifted

You watched me go,

we still spoke

but not enough

yet you stood with me

when things got touch

suddenly

those summer memories

seemed so far away

suddenly you looked at me

and didn't know what to say

I glared at you

I threw three years out the window

why?

I don't know.

And now you're gone

because of

my

stupid

mouth.

I stumbled upon some photographs

while cleaning today

birthday parties

acting competitions

you're everywhere but here

I just wanted to say I'm sorry

I'm making a change

for the better this time.

I wont have you by my side this next year

I won't have a shoulder to cry

Looking back on all of this

I never said goodbye,

I Just Realized...

When, I'm famous I'm not afraid or worried about forgetting anyone. I'm more afraid of everyone forgetting me.

What Time Is It? RANTING TIME.

I hate people who can't let go, people who can't move on and go with the flow.

What does holding a grudge against someone do for you? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. All it does is make you feel worse and worse. You silently drive yourself crazy. The other person most likely gave up and doesn't care anymore. Or thought both parties had moved on. But GAH. It happened, yes. People make mistakes. But you have to realize that you make mistakes too, you mess up, say things you don't mean, do pointless things. Everyone does. EVERYONE. So why is it so hard for you to just move on? Wouldn't you want someone to let it go?

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO POINT IN STAYING MAD FOREVER AT SOMETHING THATS EFFING RIDICULOUS. NO POINT. AT ALL.

Unless it makes you feel somewhat better about yourself giving someone so much shit they're going to explode.

It's pointless.

I've had people do some really messed up things to me. And I mean REALLY messed up things. But I realize that I've made similar mistakes, and when they apologize I forgive them.

I don't forget. But I don't hold grudges. I LEARN. I Use that experience to make a change. Not stay pissed off for the rest of my life.

....people these days.

LET. IT. GO.

I Hate What You Are To Me.

I hate how you see the tear stains on my eyes
From crying the night before
I hate how you look through my mask
As if I'm an open door

I hate how you worry about me
When I say I'll be okay

I hate when you're afraid

my scars won't go away
I hate it when you tell me it'll be alright
When i'm wondering if I'll make it through the night

I hate it when you're there for me
No matter what I break, say, or do
I hate how you have my trust
You.

And only you.

I hate the times we laugh
I hate when you make me smile
When you take my mind off life
Even for a little while

I hate it because I hate myself
For not being as good to you
You're so much better off with someone else
But you stick it through

I wish I knew when you were upset
So I could catch your tears
I wish I could see through you
So I could fight away your fears

I can't be
What you are to me

I hate how you're amazing
Something I can't compare to
Because I love you.

GUESS WHO GOT HER BEST FRIEND BACK? :D

"Say you want me dead
I promise I won't leave you Jess"
Damnit, I believed you.
Now that's the only thing in my head.

I make mistakes I can't count
I won't let a good thing last
Assume
That's all I ever do.
I'm a bitch I know.
There's not a chance that I don't blow.
I'd rewrite the past if I could
I can only throw it behind me
And wish you would.

I miss listening to the radio
Talking 'bout the songs we'd know
I miss up till four am
Talking to Daniel and you
We meant to print it but forgot to
I miss listening to you vent
About some girl on your mind
I miss bullying kids into doing drugs
Your hugs.
I miss writing poems in class
What we'd write about
Being published, and freaking out.
I miss when you'd ask what's wrong
Knowing I wouldn't tell you
You helped me pull through

I can't sleep, I can't close my eyes tonight
Until I try to make this right
Want me gone? I'm gone.
Bags packed
But all I want is my Poem Buddy back.

They say all great things
Come to a greater end
I miss you as
Just
Best
Friends.

I Never Ever Told You.

I never sent this poem. I should have. But I didn't. Of course not. Why would I?
But now, I feel like an idiot....

You've stood by my side
When the world walked away 
You promised me over and over again
That you would always stay.
And for once in my life
I'm not running. 
I've found my best friend.
And I promise to be by your side
Until the end of the end. 

It can't be good that your smile
Makes me dizzy in the knees
It can't be good your voice 
Makes my mind freeze
Your eyes wrap me up
Give me a million and one butterflies 
You said you'd always be there 
And you never lie.
You've made mistakes, I know
But I have too 
With you by my side 
Maybe I can pull through. 

It can't be good you like me too 
We all know how that ends 
One minute so in love
The next I've lost my best friend
But I promise you 
That won't ever happen. 
Because I've never had someone 
I'm so afraid to lose
I've never had a best friend 
Who loves me like you do. 

Replacement.

He hugs me, I want you 
His eyes don't sparkle like you
He says the sweetest things 
Constantly making my day
But it's everything
I wish YOU'D do and say 

Normally I'd shove away
Any other guy
Then I thought back to tonight 
All the tears I cried.
I thought back to what you said 
How you lied.

I wondered what hurt more 
1)Knowing you don't 
2)Never did 
Or 3) you won't.

It hurts enough as it is 
His smile numbs the pain 
He's my umberella
When you turn me gray 
Make me rain 

But he's no you.
He'll never make me smile like you do
But it's over.
You're gone
I'm moving on. 
No more me and you
You didn't have to tell me
I already knew. 

Tonight I Wanna Cry - Keith Urban.

I know Ive said this before, but I don't know why I do the things I do.
Maybe I see something good, someone I love, someone I care about, and my first instinct is to push them away. Because I try not to get too attached. But this time I didn't do that. I let someone in. I trusted them more than myself.
And of course, he's gone.
How do I feel? I feel....well, like an idiot.
And I just can't stop crying.
Because it's all my fault. The ONE person who meant the world to me. The person I've tried so hard not to lose.
That person is gone.
When I don't care, I push them away.
When I do, they leave.
Maybe I'll just be a lonely person for the rest of my life. Why waste time on people? No one stays. Nothing last.


Maybe I threw our friendship out the window
washed it down the drain
maybe it jumped
but I can't stop the pain

I've got a sad song on repeat
Tear stains on my bedsheet
I've got your promises in my head
they're playing over and over and over again

Assume
assume
assume
that's all I ever do.

And then I open my stupid mouth.
Tear everything apart
look at the mess I made.
I'm the one who broke my heart.

Thanks For Wasting Three Years Of My Life.

Memories are playing
A film in my mind
The memories we lost
The ones we can't find

Your advice echos
Your smile remains
I never thought losing you
Would cause me this much pain

I looked up to your perfection
Wanting to be that way
There are so many things
I forgot to say

But the things I never said
Fell out of our head
through every memory we shared
You never cared

Why can't I erase it?
What you said to me today?
Why can't I shake it?
Your words won't go away

You tell me friends are like presents
Pretty paper and bows
What's on the inside
You sure don't know

You said sometimes you don't like the inside
The gift you've got
But you put up with it
Whether you like them or not
.....like you've done with me.

Was I a game?
Did you talk to pass the time?
You didn't want me in your life
I need you in mine.

I can't stop crying
I should've known all along
If you don't want me
Fine.
I'm gone

You could have told me
Instead of living a lie
Because nothing hurts more
Than your silent goodbye.

I Am Human.

I am human
I make mistakes.
I get knocked down
I bend
I break
but I get up each time
I grow stronger through the fall
And its the climb back to the top
That makes me
But its the fear of falling
That can easily break me

I am human.
I am as unfixable
As I am invincible
My hair falls out of place
I've had my share of coffee stains
I say unreasonable things
I regret them the next day
I bend
I break
But I am human.
And I learn from my mistakes.

That Was Me?

Days of shadow stepping

and tree climbing

seem so distant now

a separate life

that was me?

I look into this photograph

a concrete memory

I look into my eyes

She looks nothing like me

her sunlight hair

her eyes are dancing

her smile singing

she's on her way away

definition of happy

that was me?

The sleepovers every night

being princesses in my back yard

Ballet classes

I still have a picture of us

our matching leotards

I set the photograph down

shake away my other self

my separate life

who I was

she has my eyes

I can't imagine being anyone

other than I am now.

that was me?

End Of Writers Block = Thought EXPLOSION

Sometimes I miss being a little kid. I miss the days when everything was always alright. I'd never imagined I'd be standing as I am right now. I was someone else.

We all are though. Right? I mean, adults aren't like their teenage selves. So, I'm teenagers aren't like their child selves? At least I'm not. I had the perfect life. I had what I wanted, what I needed.

And then everything changed faster than I could blink. While everything around me fell apart, I held myself together. I don't quite know how I was so together, I had my own invisible super glue. I saw my mom cry and pushed my tears far away so she wouldn't see. So no one would see.

I left my perfect home.

Watched my perfect family fall apart.

My mom and "dad" got divorced, and that led to me being fatherless. It brought up the point that I've always been fatherless, he was just temporary in my eyes at age 11. He was there for a while, and then he would leave. But I had gotten used to the Temp, I had begun to like the Temp. I called him Dad and he left. He left, I followed, we fought, and then I left. Funny how that worked out.

I haven't a clue where I'm going with this, but I might as well just keep on at it. I have nothing better to do anyhow.

But I've lost my train of thought.

Subject change...kind of,

back to life being unexpected.

When I was little, I would imagine growing up like it was a fairytale. I couldn't wait to cross the street on my own. I impatiently waited for my mom to buy me eyeliner, give me a curfew, take away my bedtime. I remember when she told me I could go to sleep whenever I wanted. I stayed up until 11:05 that night just to feel like she trusted me.

But even since those days, things have changed.

Just a year ago, I wouldn't have seen myself right here typing this. I thought I would still be friendless, I thought I would still be the timid girl who stood back and watched the world behind her smile. The girl who chose to be herself around only a few select people, but she had best friends. She trusted everyone with everything, because she hadn't been let down as much. She would runaway from emotions. She hated herself for letting her best friend die...

where did she go? Sometimes I go back and read old poetry and journal entries and think to myself that in my case, change is the best thing that could ever happen. I did not care about anyones feelings, I would log onto facebook and blow off any cries for help, as if their pain wasn't as real as mine.

I was so wrong.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I squint a little. Trying to catch a glimpse of what so many people see. Because I sure don't see it- of course not. I see a mess, but doesn't everyone? Don't we all see something other than whats real when we look in the mirror?

Now when I look at my arm in the sunlight, I see scars from my own worst nightmare, myself. I've grown stronger, and they shall stay scars, they will stay closed. But they're there.

My hair changes colors monthly.

I'm an insomniac.

I have friends.

I've fallen in and out in love, just to find out it wasn't love at all. But haven't we all?

I hide behind my hair.

I'm there for anyone who needs me. I've disliked someone almost to the point of hate, and stood up until 3AM talking to them about their problems. Why? I don't know. But I did. And do I regret it? Nope.

I write and write and write and MEAN IT. Yeah, I've always written. But what I wrote I never read, because it was all rubbish about some boy.

Now I have some boy. And I can call him my some boy. And I am my some boys some girl. And we are two some people. In some big world.

I have dreams bigger than myself, and I can't seem to figure out how to reach them yet, they're buried in the stars.

Thoughts of earth worms and tree climbing are out of my sight now. Though, I used to be the best tree climber on the block. Random fact: I was fearless.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE.

I wish I could write forever, but eventually my thoughts get so scattered there is absolutely no point in trying to organize them in print.

I guess it's not the way you always planned it, looks like you're heading for a crash landing. At least thats the way it looks from where I'm standing.

Writers Block....can't even think of a clever title...

You're a true friend, you're here till the end. You pull me aside when somethin' ain't right, talk with me now and into the night, till' it's alright again. You're a true friend.

I know it's Hannah Montana...Miley Cyrus..whatever you choose to call her, I KNOW.

But I like that song, although it's pushing me farther into writers block...

"I wish i can take your pain away

I wish i can take your blame

I want to take everything off your shoulders, and drop them onto mine.

I want you to be free,

Where no one can hurt you

I'll deal with it all

So you can enjoy your day

I dont care how long i'll have to do it

A day, weeks, months, or years

I deal with it untilll i die

I'm doing all this for you

So you can be happy(:

I'm sorry that all it happens to you

But i'll be there for you

Day or night

And i mean it.

So dont worry

Its Summer

Go have Fun

I'll deal with this Bullshit"

-Jayden :D

Well Put

"Do you know what the stupidest word in the English language is?"

"Butt?"

"No..LOVE. It's thrown around so much. You love everything, pizza, your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend. In one language it means Zero."

Well put, Mr. May. Well put.

He was right, I laughed when he said that. Giggled at the thought of it being pointless. He didn't understand what I thought I did. I figured without the word, how would we let people in on out love? He was married, he must tell his wife he loves her everyday. Right? So how could he dislike such a word? Such a powerful word.

I was wrong. You don't have to say it, you show it. I hardly use that word now, but people know.

And you feel it as well. My god, what a feeling!

Not like I have any room to voice my opinion, since I have never felt that great feeling.

I don't think at least. Maybe I have, maybe the fact that I have one person on my mind while writing this means I do feel that. Maybe me not wanting to hurt him so I'm waiting for him to hurt me means I do.

But young love is such dumb love.

I'm rambling now. You can tell I'm rambling just by the very fact that I am skipping lines. For when I ramble I have short bursts of idea, and then quickly move on. Not like I had the slightest clue what exactly I was writing about in the first place.

But thats not the point.

I might as well stop with this whole blogging at one in the morning thing, but writing is my drug. Therefor, I shall keep at it. For I was on the verge of tears at the beginning of this, and now I feel loads better. How nice.

I am in misery, there aint nobody who can comfort me. Why won't you answer me? The silence is slowly killing me..

Well put, Maroon 5. Well put.

A Broken Heart.

A broken heart is hard to mend
As truth is so easily bent
A broken heart leaves gaps and holes
One for each time
Those three words were told
I have the secret, the key
To recovery
I must warn you before I share
The gaps and holes will stay right there
A broken heart you can't fully repair
But I promise
Once you do this
The hurt will be gone
To mend a broken heart
You must move on.

It's Funny

It's funny
How you're gone
Until I am too
How you shove me aside
Until you can't pull through

How you roll your eyes
Until I roll mine back
How my thoughts are opinion
And yours are fact

It's funny how you treat me
Until I walk away
How you find it in you to listen
When I have nothing more to say

April 5th. 11:50PM....

Sparks fly, light the room
I'm done trying to talk to you.
What's the point? You're gone.
I don't know what else to do.
Mistakes weigh us down
Heavier than memories
What about the good times?
Laughing at our hopes and dreams
We've drifted away
Our tracks can't be retraced
I'm still running from the truth
How am I so easily replaced?
I meant that little, huh?
You didn't need me at all
I'm done trying to talk to you.
I'm done with your walls.

Goodbye Best Friend

My heart didn't stop
I didn't leak a tear
I didnt reach out and stop you
Because I didn't need you here

I actually cracked a smile
Let out a sigh of relief
Gave you the finger
With you gone I could breathe

I thought it was another joke
That we'd be okay the next day
I figured it couldn't end
So I watched you walk away

When you didn't turn around
When you kept walking on
That's when it hit me
My Other Half was gone

For a second I wanted to call your name
Tell you to come back to me
But then I realized
That you still wouldn't see

So I just stood there
I didn't know what to say
Because part of me
Didn't want you to stay

And I knew things would be different
And you felt it too
You didn't have to tell me
I already knew

Stars.

I watch the darkened sky
Stars shining, or airplanes flying?
They used to be the same
But now my stars are playing games

I think I've got one, found a shining star
Then I see it move away
Before I know it, it seems so far
I used to see them in a different way

I would watch the stars
Lighting up the sky
I would stare up there for hours
And never wonder why
I could create pictures
Craft paths, faces, places
Whatever crossed my mind
But now as I stare
They're all so hard to find

My stars were never stars, it seems
They were all airplanes, ready to fly
They never planned on staying
They left my black blue sky
I want to count stars again
Turn them into art
I miss counting stars
We never felt too far apart

As I stare up at the sky
I wonder where they went
I wonder where I went
If they were shooting stars
Did they get the wishes I sent?

My stars don't sparkle, they fly away
To maybe just maybe, cross my path one day
I guess there's no such things as stars
Only airplanes ready to leave
I remember when I was a dreamer
When I found it in my heart to believe.
But things happen.
So no more counting stars for me.

I've Sent This To Too Many People...

I know where you stand
I've been there before
Where you keep yourself in prison
Even with an open door

You admit defeat
And let yourself fade away
The pain is too unbearable
To live another day

Your whole body is numb
And your heart is empty space
Everyday is a challenge
That you're too tired to face

Just know that I have been there
I know how you feel
I promise if you keep going
Every wound will heal

It seems so very easy
To end your life tonight
But remember if things can't get any worse
Then there's room to make things right

To Jackie :)

I know it's not your birthday anymore
and I probably should have written this before
right now
but I thought i'd write a poem
to cheer you up somehow

You're awesome
that rhymes with blossom
but I'm not going to use that word
because that'd just be absurd.

On a more serious note.
Jackie
You're dope
I don't know what dope means
But I think it's good
ah
that didn't rhyme like it should.

Anywho
Like peanut butter and jelly
I need you.
You're one of the best friends
I've had in a while
somehow
you know when I need a smile
You're there when I'm up
you're there when I'm down
No matter where or what
you're always around
Thanks for listening to my hurt
the stupid things I blurt
I wish I could be as great to you
as you are to me
because like I said
...peanut butter and jelly.

Happy birthday
to an awesome friend
just wanted to tell you
I'm here till the end
:D

When My Minds Not Overthinking, My Heart Is.

"What are you gonna do?"
"I can't hurt him. So I'll wait and let him hurt me instead."

Where did THAT come from?
My heart.
Because I care way more than I had originally planned. I don't mind being heartbroken as long as he's okay.
Not because I love him or anything.
But because he's my best friend.
And NOTHING kills me like seeing my best friend anything but happy.

City Bus.

I wanna hop on a city bus 
Vent to the first stranger I see 
Talk 
Talk 
Talk
They won't mind me. 
Some silly girl
With a mind full of secrets 
Letting them out 
So maybe she'll forget 

What does a stranger see 
After they hear what's in me?
A girl who hopes her dreams
Will land among the stars 
She's not what she seems  
But she's hiding the scars 
Someone passing through 
With the bright seattle lights 
Fading into the distance 
She doesn't know where she's going 
But she'll be alright 

Clicking my heels against the floor 
A beat with my words 
Telling my story 
While we stop, twist, and turn 
Secret after secret 
Story after story
Click clacking
I hope I'm not too boring 

"My life is like a movie
I watch 
But don't care enough to save myself
On the very edge of my seat
As if I'm someone else"
"Yeah. 
Mhmm. 
Sure"
"But time is a blur"
"yeah
Mhmm
Sure"
"I go weeks thinking it's Tuesday 
Wake up feeling wasted away
I don't feel a thing at all
Sometimes I trip
For the thrill of the fall"
"yeah
Mhmm 
Sure"

And when we stop
Where I get off
I click clack down the aisle 
No eye contact 
No smile 
They must think i'm crazy 
But in the end
I'll never see my life saver again.

My Only Friend

How is it my only friend

Is this paper

And pen in my hand?

The words best friend

Has lost it's meaning

We all say the words

Without feeling

It's been twisted

Into nothing

Manipulated by betrayal

Thrown around

Like love

Hate

Friendship is a game

A show

Put on like a smile

Hiding the pain

How is it every ounce

Of trust

I've ever had for anyone

Has chipped away

Been turned to rust

How is it

My only friend

Is the words on my hand

My only friend

That I can count on

Until the end.

Proof

I shove my tears farther back

Until they're falling down my throat

Gripping my heart

I'm being stabbed in the chest

In one breath

I'm a train wreck

I try to pull them back again

But my tears keep coming

They're proof that I'm hurting

My tears are bullets

Acid on my cheeks

The way they fall

Proves to me I'm weak

There comes a time

When I stop smiling

The weight of the universe

Finally breaks me

My world is spinning

Faster than I can comprehend

I have no one to lean on

No real friends.

That's when the tears come

Proof that I'm not strong

The strain on my heart

That's been building up for too long

I'm a hurricane

My chest stings

I hate it when my eyes rain

It's written in mascara smudges

Clouding my eyes

Proof in the stinging sensation

Pulsing through my heart

Every second I cry

The secrets I've tried to hard to hold inside

Are no longer mine when I cry

My tears are proof

That even I cry

Proof

That I'm alive

and sometimes

I can't hide.

If I Can't Make Myself Smile...

I might as well brighten someone's day.

That's what I'll do...

Broken Radio

"I need to tell you something you probably don't want to hear."

"Okay."

"I kinda like someone else."

"...oh. Who?"

"******** *******....just a bit....sorry):"

"So not me anymore? That was fast. Okay. As long as I don't lose you as my best friend..."

There was more. In the end it's still me and only me. But why can't I just forget that? That conversation is a broken radio in my head. It just won't stop.

Why?

If things are so good right now, why can't I forget?

Runner

I'm wondering if I can hold you forever

or if you'll end up pushing me away

hitting the ground

cold as you

begging you to stay

but it will be me

I'm the one who runs away.

Late Night Poetry. Oh yes.

The words wont stop replaying

over

and over

and over again

why can't I just wish it away

pretend you didn't mean what you said

I tried so hard to hold on

but you're so difficult

so slippery

holding onto you

is grasping mist

falling through the cracks

of my foolish hands

You looked me in the eyes

promised me forever

I didn't read between the lines

realize that meant never

best friends

that word means

nothing to me

a phrase tossed around

twisted into something

without a meaning

I shake it away

but it just comes back

over

and over

and over again

I just can't forget what you said

Insignificant

I went to the beach today. And then afterwards I went to the park with Jessie. I missed her.

Walking home, I tried to get lost kind of. I knew where I was supposed to go, where I was supposed to turn, not turn. But I knew that if I just didn't turn I'd get home eventually anyways. So I just walked. My flip flops made it a bit difficult for me to walk, so I flopped around Burien all day. Well, more like an hour.

It started as not turning, then I ended up doing everything in my power make my trip home as long as possible. The heat is intoxicating to me, the sun seeps into my pores and makes me do things I know I'll regret. I wanted to soak in the sun for as long as possible.

I've always wanted to be able to just walk around without reason. But I've been afraid of looking like an idiot wandering around alone aimlessly. But today it occurred to me that I am insignificant. No one who drives by even looks at me, if they do they only see a person walking. They don't question my motives, my destination, they see someone walking and think 'I shouldn't hit that person' I felt free knowing I could wander around alone without feeling awkward. I turned around in the middle of the street wondering if anyone thought about that. They probably didn't. I liked this. I liked being invisible. It didn't matter where I turned, crossed the street, or stopped, no one cared. They only cared if me getting from point A to point B interfered with them getting to their destination. If I had walked in the middle of the street, pressed the cross walk button a thousand times and walked away, or tried to hitch hike, they would have noticed me. But I was invisible because I was allowing myself to blend in.

I've always hated being alone. Something I cant stand without good reason. I just don't like it. But walking around I thought of all the people I could be walking with, and no matter what it would have been awkward because I wouldn't have said much. I like to think while I walk. I can't think and speak at the same time. Yes I can. I do that often. But what I mean is I can't speak without sounding like an idiot and think at the same time. I've never been so content with loneliness.

I didn't think much while taking the long way home, I hardly thought at all. Weird. Me, the overthinker. Just let myself be at peace for an hour.

A few minutes before I got home, I started coughing. I tried to stop, but I just kept coughing.

Then I realized something inside of me didn't want to be invisible.

It's Not Tuesday?

I went all week thinking it was tuesday.

And I woke up thinking it was Sunday.

I forgot my best friend's birthday.

I lost my eyeliner. But only after I did one eye. So I look like an idiot.

I need to get out of the house

I painted one hand of my nails, but ignored the other one. One is beautiful. The other is NOT.

I don't know why I'm writing this.

I googled 'How to write a blog' because I don't know what I'm doing. It was no help.

I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad.

My phone is next to me.

My mom should hurry up

I haven't been eating much lately. NO, I don't have an eating disorder. I just haven't been very hungry. Weird.

I'm typing with my arm leaning on the side of the desk. And it hurts my wrist. But not enough for me to do anything about it.

You shouldn't judge a celebrity unless you've walked in their shoes

I'm very OCD about typing, I've noticed.

I kicked my radio the other night. It was being a bully.

I'm hungry right now.

There are no clouds outside, how depressing. I like clouds. ALL clouds. But I really love the really fluffy white ones that contrast with the sky.

I'm supposed to go to the beach with my best friend today. I don't think that's gonna happen anymore. Mad face.

I have two Facebook messages, a Tweet, and a comment approval on MySpace that I'm too lazy to check,

My phone has been going off for ten minutes.

I wish I had red hair. Because I have green eyes. And lots of purple shirts.

I wish I could talk to ****** right now. But he's busy. So I can't.

My mommy has a Yoda on her scooter. It's cool.

Yup. Just lost my ride to the beach.

Now what?

Four Tweets now.

I have to eat lunch now.

It's hard to type and eat at the same time.

I Write Poems In My Head All The Time.

Baby, you know I'm trying

but it's getting unbearable

I can't stop crying

I can't lose you

I won't lose you

you're the one in my mirror

best friend is an understatement

yet the end is nearer

I'm holding onto mist

losing my foolish grip

and I just can't stand this.

Lame.

It's Hard To Dance and Type At The Same Time

I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad

I'm a hip hop queen, a rock and roll dream, it's all bling bling, I'm the star of the scene

Buy all the things I never had

yeah, check me out, see what I'm all about

I wanna be on the cover of Forbes Magazine

I'm the one that you want, the one you can't have

smiling next to Oprah and the queen

the girl that you call who doesn't call back

Oh, every time I close my eyes, I see my name in shining lights

just look at me

A different city every night

I've got everything

Oh, I swear, the world better prepare for when

I'm a billionaire

....and then I woke up.

Billionaire - Travie McCoy/Bruno Mars

Then I Woke Up - The Clique Girls

I obviously have way too much time on my hands.

I should join the Highliners. I NEED to join the Highliners. I need to act. Pretend. I miss being on a stage and completely forgetting myself and being someone else.

Ugh.

I have nothing important to write about.

Nothing.

At.

All.

Bruno Mars has the most beautiful voice on the planet. He doesn't need music.

It's easy to sing to and soothing.

I wrote a poem today. I didn't plan on writing it, I don't even know where it came from. I wrote it in the box where you type your Facebook status.

What if I wrote my life down
with pen and paper
wrote down every mile
documented every smile

what if I wrote it down
so I could know reality
it all happened
Wrote it to get it out of me

would I look back on my story
when I've grabbed a new canvas
would I realize
how everything was different
looking through my eyes

Everyone has a story
But I can't seem to find
the words
to tell you mine

What if I wrote down every thought
Blooming inside of me
what if an eraser
was all I'd need

I couldn't write a story
I can't write my mind
because there are words
I have yet to find
so many mountains
I have yet to climb
I don't have an eraser
to fix my mistakes
so I'll leave it
Unwritten

I wrote one last night too,

Every minute
Of every day
I lose another piece
Of my everything

The words that slide off your tongue
Used to wrap me up
Give me a high
Now they're nothing
But a beautiful lie

I'm no one special
I've got that figured out
Why keep pretending
I'm something
When I'm nothing
I'm no one special
When those words
You say them
To everyone.

Why waste your time?
Why waste mine?
Because the truth
Hurts alot less
Than knowing a lie.

I'm no one special
A bump along the road
But you
You're everyone special
And I feel like a fool
For caring so much.

When I Iook at you
I hate to say I'm done
But it's not special
If it's not me
It's everyone

You're no one special
that's my attempt at a lie.

Yeah, the second one has a story behind it. A stupid boy behind it. A stupid heart behind it.

The second one has a lot behind it. A lot more than a few words.

It has three words behind it.

Three words can't fix this anymore.

Yeah, I did just quote Amber Pacific.