Dear Alicia...

I was asked a while ago what I would do if I had one wish. And like anyone who actually thinks about it I said, "More wishes." to which they replied, "thats cheating."
But now that I am taking time to really think about the question at hand, I would want to email you. I'd want to send a letter to heaven, and get one back. I'd ask you how your last breath tasted, and if you miss the world you ran away from.
To which you would reply with your straight letters and perfectly dotted I's, your handwriting that is small but every word is beautiful. You would reply with, "Don't worry about me, I'm happy up here. I've been with you every day since my last breath that tasted like rain. I would go back and undo it if I could but who wouldn't?"
and I'd check my mail every five minutes. And we would talk. Thats what I would wish for.
And while I talked to you in heaven via snail mail. Out of everything you could say to me, of every looped Y and meticulously dotted I, all I would want to hear is, "It's not your fault."
Thats what I would wish for.

Lost And Found.

Sometimes I find myself hiding

because I'm secretly hoping 

someone will be lonely without me and come find me

lost to be found

leaving because all I want is you to open your eyes

and ask me to turn around

I've learned silence speaks out loud

it's voice is the loudest kind of sound

you can always hear me but it's impossible to get someone to 

actually listen 

sometimes I find myself bent over backwards

but I never break 

wanting to sleep, but keeping myself awake

and I'm lost because I want to be found 

I want someone to miss me 

to be lonely

and come find me. 

I Will Learn.

I've been told there will always be a river
A little to wide
For me to jump in
And swim to the other side
My legs will tire, my arms lose control
I smile and nod
Not listening at all

I've been told there will be a mountain
That touches the sky
I won't be able to make it
A mountain I can't climb
The slope too deep,
It's a slip and slide
I've been told to find a mountain not so high
Because there's a mountain I can't climb
I smile and nod
Not listening at all

Rivers bigger than I
Mountains in the sky
I've been told I won't make it
I smile nod
Not speaking a word
Until I part my lips and say
"I will learn." 

Teardrops, Raindrops, Bus Stops.

I can't write a love poem to save my life
so this must be important if I'm gonna try
I'm not good at taking my heart and putting it's beat on paper
because once I write a good one
someones feeling start to taper
so I stop my heart beat right there and grab an eraser
but it's hard to erase the person
who gives you the motivation and emotion
to even begin to write a poem that won't end
with teardrops
and walking in raindrops
to bus stops
just to get away from the place so full memories
wishful thinking and broken dreams
leaving to escape the end of "You and me"
me and you
you and I
I'd try and try
to write a perfect poem if it meant that you meant it when you said
we'll never say goodbye
but you didn't because we did
and they were all right saying we're just kids
I"m not strong enough to open a lid
so how was I supposed to hold on to you
I wasn't strong enough to pull through
this kind of pain should be reserved for when it's deserved
but I guess you're worth it
because you're not crying or dying or even trying
all you're doing is not replying and goodbye-ing
I couldn't write a love poem to save my life
but why would I try?
all it ever ends with is a silent goodbye.

Long Time No Poem.

I tackled my best friend
when she told me you missed me

I tried to sleep again a million times

to finish the dream where you kissed me

I gave up my other half

to wake up and find.....you left me. 

If I could I'd go and sell my broken heart

on the internet for free 

I'd pay someone to take it and fix it for me 

and if it is as unfixable as it seems

I'd ask them to go and hide it somewhere away from my mind
somewhere beautiful but I wont be able to find
because with it gone I could really be fine

I thought these things only happened

on those dramas I'm addicted to on TV

The ones we all watch to escape reality 

but if this is reality please I'm begging you
let me dream

I've up every night until five am 

because I can't sleep while remembering what you said
I could hear a spider walk but theres chaos in my head
I can't sleep thinking about how not good enough I am 

and it hurts twice as much knowing you can

I'm up every night until you wake up 

and sometimes I grab myself a coffee cup,

because I know

that sleep is out of the question even though it's the answer 

because I'm still trying to dream again the dream

where you kissed me 

I'm trying to relive the day

where you were the one who missed me. 

If You Need A Shoulder :)

When You Need A Shoulder

by Jadon Nester and Jessica Perez

 

When you need a shoulder stand by me

I can end all of your pain and misery

Call me when you're smiling or lonely

I'll be right there you know i'm your homie

 

I can only promise you this

Our times together will be bliss

I'll make myself worth it

Our companionship will be a gift

 

I'll be there to prove you right when you're wrong

And if you feel sad we could write wonderful songs

Cause side by side we're twice as strong

Anywhere and everywhere I'll bring you along

 

I'll catch your tears and fight your fears

Our power will be envied by all of our peers

Through the best and the worst I'm right here

Secret handshakes, nicknames and the friendship cheer

 

While I'm alive you'll never be alone

With me you'll never be on your own

Even milestones down the road

I wish you would have listened this here news is old.

 

Delete.

I still can't delete them 
I could remove the heart next to his name 
Even the smiley face
But not the things he'd say
If I delete them maybe 
They'll end up in the trash bin of my mind as well
One click ending my emotional hell
But if I press the button 
Erase the conversations I have on replay
That I remember once a day 
The feelings that won't go away 
If I press delete 
Then I'm one step closer 
To ending the lie I tell myself
Then it's actually over.
And that might hurt even more. 

Heart = Broken.

Do you ever sit with a song on replay for hours just because the lyrics make you feel a little less alone? Because you're like everyone else and have it in your head that no one understands but, in my case, John Mayer. Because the words tell your story so you listen to it over and over again to match the details and wonder how you got here. How you got to not sleeping and instead listening to slow sad love songs all night and then half the morning. You wonder if it's a dream because you promised yourself when you were younger "that will never happen to me." And then what feels like the very next morning you never knew you could cry so much, hurt so much, think so much. And not sleeping just adds to it because when you can dream, you try over and over again all morning and then afternoon to dream that dream again. It doesn't matter anyways, not getting out of bed. You swear to yourself you're never going to find the motivation to go outside and breathe. The self esteem to find someone new.
...but maybe, just maybe, thats just me.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Shoulders back
chin up
smile
I tell myself that over and over again
but standing tall in front of my reflection
all I see is false confidence
masking my imperfections
I can't make eye contact with the girl in my mirror
All I can think is
how did I get here?

When did I begin to hide
more importantly when did I
have anything to hide
since when do I feel pain
besides a bruise or two
since when is a smile
nothing but a mask for the truth

Who is this girl?
when did she get so mean ?
Who's smile is that?
What?
It can't be me.

She doesn't laugh anymore
she ignores the open doors
perfectly happy being alone
growing up on her own

Shoulders back
chin up
smile
It's fake but it's who I see
and all I can think is
this girl
she's not me
she's not laughing at crazy things
she's not running for the hell of it
crashing into daisies for the smell of it
I stand a little taller
to see myself a little clearer
Looking in the mirror
how did I get here?

Shadow.

I don't want a friend 

best friend

I don't want an anybody 

to be my shadow

to follow me 

Shadows stand by your side 

sharing the brightest lights 

always being cast aside

but a shadow never seems to mind

but you're never burning alone 

walking the streets not on your own

but a shadow fades with the light 

and when darkness strikes 

a shadow

when you need someone 

something to make you feel not as alone 

a shadow is never around 

disappearing until dawn. 

Eviction Notice.

You are no longer allowed to step foot in my mind

no coming back for anything 

you may have left behind

the memories are stuck with me 

don't be surprised if I send them in a letter 

maybe when they're eating you 

I'll feel a whole lot better

don't you dare cross the line 

into my broken mind 

the damage has been done

I can clean it up on my own 

I'm already used to being alone 

Here is your letter of eviction

a two week notice

just leave me to pick myself up 

because everytime

you walk back into my life

you leave a little more heartache behind

I packed for you 

every poem about you 

every smile I can recall 

everytime you caught my fall 

the memories 

are stuck on me

but I can't have your face 

painted on my dreams

I just can't take it

So leave. 

Disappearing Act.

Make up your mind already

I'm on my knees

demanding for you to please

just stop messing with me

one minute you're here

the next you're gone

and it all seems so wrong

this disappearing act you pull 

I see you 

now I don't 

You'll be here forever 

then no you wont

Just make up your mind 

I'm tired of second guessing myself

of playing games

I'd be fine if it was anyone else 

and I've been living in confusion 

constant contradiction 

and you're all of my frustrations. 

but my favorite addiction. 

I can play the game you play

a little too well 

I've learned from you

and can put you in hell 

now you see me 

now you don't 

I'll always be here

Just kidding 

you know I won't 

but it hurts so I stand 

and take blow after blow 

but make up your mind 

Are you here or not? 

I need to know

Health.

Today may be dark 
Today may be dreary 
But you must live today 
To see tomorrow clearly 

Don't worry about the sadness
Stay strong through the pain
They say you can't have a rainbow 
If you never have any rain 

So remember to keep your head 
Remember to stay strong 
Because if you need someone to be there 
With me, you'll always belong

- Jessica Perez and Trevor Chalcraft 

High School and John Mayer

I am officially the only person I know who is not excited for high school. Only one who doesn't want this summer to end because I'm afraid things won't ever be the same. This time we're all going to different schools, different small schools. I'll be at the art school while everyone else is somewhere else. No one will be there with me, and theres nothing I hate more than being alone. Yeah, I'm extremely friendly and I make friends easily, but I hate having to start over and make new friends. At least majority of my friends will be at Highline, I just won't have any classes with them.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have dreams bigger than me because nothing comes out of it but obstacles. And loneliness. But I'm sure thats only for me and everyone else.
I haven't blogged in a long time, and now I know why. I''m blank. I have nothing to write about.

It's been a long night in New York City, it's been a long night in Austin too. I don't remember you looking any better... but then again, I don't remember you.


I know a boy, he puts the color inside of my world. But he's just like a maze, where all of the walls continually change. And I've done all I can, to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand. But now I'm starting to see, maybe it's got nothing to do with me.


I'd like to tell you, stay inside the lines. But something better is on the other side. 


I just found out theres no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above. 


Take all of your wasted honor, all you little past frustrations. Take all of your so-called problems, better put 'em in quotations. Say what you need to say. 


Walking like a one man army, fighting with the shadows in your head. Living out the same old moment. Knowing you'd be better off instead if you could only say what you need to say


Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood. They say we stand for nothing, and theres no way we ever could. We see everything thats going on, with the world and those who lead it. We just feel like we don't have the means to rise above and beat it. 


It's not that we don't care. We just know that the fight ain't fair. So we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change. 


One day our generation is gonna rule the population. 


Whoa, gravity, stay the hell away from me.


I' could've met you in the sandbox, could've passed you on the sidewalk. Could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away? No way.


Until then I'll hide in my bedroom. Sitting up all night just to write a love song for no one. 


John Mayer<3 ^^

I could stumble up and down a mountain
Doggy paddle across the sea
But i'd never meet someone as good a friend
As you've been to me

I text you at four am
And you reply even though you can't keep your eyes open
You answered me when Alicia died
And all I could do was sit and cry
You know the emotions I don't show
And when somethings wrong you somehow know
You know when a smiley face is real
Or if I'm just hiding what I really feel
I'd take a bullet, if only you'd let me
And through everything
You're the one person who gets me

When September comes, your bags are packed
I've realized no amount of rope can bring you back
And I could visit every small town and city
But through everyone I'd meet
My best friend has always been just down the street
But know that when you're gone
You can lean on me
Well, metaphorically
I'm not very strong
But just know I'm always there
To prove you right, and someone else wrong
Even when you're wrong and their right
Because I know you're with my on those sleepless nights
You're there through every battle with myself
And all the wars with everyone else

I meant it when I said best friends forever
Not till distance draw us apart
Because we're always together
Not hand in hand
But heart in heart
Because I could travel through the solar system
Befriend the stars
But they'd never understand my scars
I'd never really had someone who understood
Or never left when people said they should

How did this get so off track?
You of all people know an attention span
Is something I lack
When I began to mold this poem
All I really planned to say
Was hey, best friend
Happy Birthday :)

Yup/:

Things That Should Be Illegal:
Boys who mess with your head
Liking those boys
Those boys being BEAUTIFUL
Those boys starting out as the most amazing and best best friend you've ever had... and then changing into an asshole
but at times they go back to ALMOST caring as much as they used to 
Those boys saying they like you... and every time they say it you're reeled in like a sea bass.. but then they spend all of their free time with every other girl but you.
those kissy faces should be banned.
Fighting with those boys
and then they get mad at you for things you didn't do without even asking about it
and they get mad FOR ANOTHER GIRL
then they say they can't stand fighting with you, but they just keep picking more
those boys telling you no matter what you'll always be friends.
and believing those boys should be illegal.
those boys who, when you ask them about that other whore they're ALWAYS with, deny it all and lie to you like you're an idiot
those boys who then go hit on your best friend and assume that you're assuming that they're over you. 
Those boys sending you more mixed signals
until those boys just walk out of your life like it's nothing
and all of those other things people warn you about when you meet those boys but you don't listen. 
and those boys that you can think of a million reasons why you hate them SO much. 
and those boys that when you see that picture they just uploaded your heart nearly explodes. 
those boys when "your song" comes on, you trip and you stumble and try so hard to hold back tears and you have this urge to curl up in a ball and kick your radio at the same time
Those boys that make you love them.


...AND I SHOULD BE IN JAIL. 

All I Ever Do Is Write You Love Poems

Every other poem that drips from my pen 
Every word I mold 
Story I unfold 
Is a love poem. 
Because all I ever do is write you love poems. 
Not the sappy sweet mushy gushy symphonies
One thinks of when they think of a love poem 
But I write about every flaw I can find 
Every time you fucked with my mind
You always have a fight to pick 
Your choice of words makes me sick
Your eyes are not bright to me 
They're bruised apple shaded green 
Your chin is off 
That thing you call a smile that slides across your face 
Is nothing but a Colgate disgrace
You have a callick on the back edge of your personality
Your jokes aren't funny to me
You over react 
They say opposites attract
You and I prove that fact  
Everyone says you're perfect 
But I pen your flaws 
I sift and I dig holes in my memory 
Trying to get myself to agree with me 
When I say I don't love you anymore 
That what we had will remain shattered on the floor 
The shards reflect a blinding light 
And I add that to my list of reasons 
Of feelings to fight 
All I ever do is write you love poems 
That I tuck away 
Folded into a dirty desk drawer to collect dust 
I place them in my lungs because my heart is full of you 
They contaminate me and you're all that I breath in or out 
I'd say you're air but I don't need you 
All I ever do is write you love poems 
And missing you has absolutely.....
EVERYTHING to do with it. 

I Hate You. Crying.

Dear YouShouldButYouDon'tKnowWhoYouAre, 

The level of hate I have for you in my body is simply unimaginable. Like Lima beans, celery, ketchup, and mayo all mixed together. Just the thought, just hearing your name makes me physically ill. When you open your mouth I want to do nothing but shove something in it to make you stop speaking. Your happiness makes me cry. Which is odd because even though I would rather you jump off of the planet and crash into the sun...I ALWAYS check in when something might be wrong. 

I hate to open my eyes and cry 

the only thing falling is a sign 

a symbol that I am weak 

a drop for every thing thats wrong with me 

gliding down my cheeks

I don't let myself cry 

although when the barriers are torn 

its a sign that I 

I am alive

Literally...No, Figuratively.

Poems literally
no..figuratively
fly out of my pen
the second the clock strikes
anything after two am.

Because thats when I can grab the silence like the ripest
most patiently high apple
waiting on the top of the tree.
when I look into the darkest corner of my room
and feel poems and thoughts that are flowers
who need nothing but silence and darkness to bloom
a time when I have no distractions
and I sift through my mind
this is my time to lay flat on my floor
and decided
Sleep isn't on my list of worries
because over time I've learned the art
of waking up in a hurry

because everything is clearer
even the face in my mirror
literally
no figuratively
at anything after two am

Right?

What time does the average human being 

close their eyes and fall asleep

when does normal take hold of me? 

How many times a month 

how many times a week 

does the average human being dream? 

when am I SUPPOSED do anything? 

But normal is a word

average is a label 

right? 

Because I wake up at eleven

and I fall asleep at eight 

is the average human being 

always running late 

do normal people lose track of the date

see it all as tuesday? 

I've been told over again that normal is a word 

average is a label

I'm me and that's perfectly fine

right?

Might Have Been

Every other poem that I pen 

is a love poem 

thinking of you again

and all thats spinning around 

dancing through whats left of my head

we might have been. 

I Know It's Four Am. . .

I'm keeping secrets from myself
When I say nobody knows
I mean nobody
because I don't trust my reflection
not to tell the girl she's looking at
About the chaos thats her own mind.
I'm keeping secrets
telling lies
but they don't seem so beautiful
when I find the truth and look it in the eyes
I'm lying to myself
I tell myself that he still loves me
I whisper everything will be alright
I say that I'm honestly okay
but I'm keeping secrets.
Because nobody knows
nobody
but the reflection starting back at me.
Which makes me shake and worry
she's not very trustworthy

Fight Fight Fight

I'm sitting and scheming

the most unimaginably twisted things 

are tumbling right out of me 

I say I want you gone forever 

throw whatever I can muster 

 

We're fighting a war

so much bigger than the one we fought before 

because we're against each other 

I'm with him to make you jealous 

you're with her and in love 

but you still stoop to my level 

as if enough isn't enough 

You say you're done 

I say fine

me too 

but I know in ten seconds

it's "baby I love you"

I'm laughing now at everything you do and say 

because all I want is you to go away

Theres a never in every forever 

here's to the end

Funny how it is 

because five seconds ago you were my best friend.  

Homeless.

I sit down and try to read him
but I can't look to long
it's a preview
a demo of what I won't know unless I reach out
and muster up half an ounce of courage to ask
I think up a million ways he got here
a billion identities
fallen families
I wonder if he has a wife
to fall asleep with tonight
No - Probably most likely not.

From my half a second
don't you dare stare demo
he is middle aged
not old enough to be old
not young enough to be new
his face is masked with a beard
with a story hidden in each strand of hair
his eyes are constantly crying
but he wont shed a tear
his clothes are older than me it seems
they're draped across his body like a table cloth a little to big
he hasn't had a thing to eat
in more than just a couple weeks

I sit down and try to read the people
who don't give half a damn
am I the only one who reads the sign in his hand?
"I'll take anything useless from you.
but if not, just a smile would do"
I wish I could collect smiles in a can
I'd bottle them up
and hand them to this man
I place five in his hand
because that all I can.
With the bill I show a smile
the biggest one I can mold
I reach out and shake
the most unreadable hand I'll ever hold
Yet the crying eyes break into a smile
I stare a second too long
I want to read the middle aged
too young to be new
too old to be old man.

I walk away with questions
about the man I couldn't read
I wonder if tomorrow
he'll wake up on a different street
I hope he takes that 500 cents
and buys himself something small to eat.
I realize I have a million hoodies
all too big for me
I play with the fabric
and walk back to that street
but the man is gone.
And I am left with my half a minute don't you dare stare demo
and a million scenarios of what could have happened
to the not too old yet too young to be homeless man.

Not Quite Yet

It seems I've been knocked down again

no, not quite yet 

But I am standing on a stack of cards

dancing on glass table 

Playing with the possibility

no, the certainty

that you will hurt me

like a flower at the break of winter 

I'm waiting for the ice

your cold words trying to be nice

telling me that maybe

this isn't quite right 

I am a leaf at the tippy top 

clinging to a maple tree

Though I can see it coming 

I hope autumn wont catch me 

yet.

I watch you drift away from whatever we are 

even though you're not getting too far    

not far enough for me to cry 

but I'm still not strong enough to say goodbye 

Not far enough to be out of sight 

I'm not in an airplane

you're no ant to me 

You haven't run far enough for me to do much 

Yet.

You haven't knocked me down 

winter hasn't hit

You're not far enough 

just yet. 

Dreams and Goals and What May Not Happen

I want to be a spoken word poet.
I want to be just like.....Sarah Kay.

I am Learning.

I am standing in front of a mirror
Memorizing pointless lines
That only have meaning to me
I read between them
But that's not the point, poetry 
If I can memorize 
Just a couple more lines in a couple more minutes
Just imagine what I could do with a script.

The amount of dust on the off switch
On my radio is absurd
But I'm too busy to notice
I'm listening to every word
The music and the lyrics
Peanut butter and jelly
I sit for hours listening
I am learning.
I want to hear my voice one day
Singing myself to sleep.

I watch movies with no plot
Because I pay negative amounts of attention
I'm too busy watching the actors
And actresses
Noting every facial expression.
I look at the way they move
When they're reciting lines
It's planned but you can't tell
I want to learn how they make it so real.
Because when I turn on the TV
I want to see me staring back at me

I don't read for entertainment
Well, most of the time
I read to read between the lines
I read to grow into the one who molded the story
Who pens the words we all feel
But don't quite have the attention span
Imagination
Or words to say ourselves
I want to see my name printed in jet black ink
Jessica Perez
On a best seller list

I want to leave behind me
Something more than just memories
I want to leave a movie
A book for my kids kids kids kid to read
I want to leave my mind
Line by line
Songs by song
Movies and pictures in magazines
So I stand, watch, listen, read
Without speaking a word
Because I want to learn.

Scattered.

"I worry about you"
I worry about me too
"you do"
all the time.
"Why?"
I figured someone has to
"I worry about you"
I bet you do.


I don't know what that was, don't ask me what that was.
I don't know what that means, don't ask me what that means.
Because if I knew I'd be explaining myself right now.
So I'll make it easy on myself and say it means whatever you want it to mean. If anything at all.
That's EXACTLY my point.
What's your point?
I don't have one.

WHAT GOES ON IN MY HEAD DURING A CONVERSATION.

"Hello"
Hi. "Hi"
"Whats up?"
I want to end this now. I don't know what to say when people ask that. "Nothing much, you?"
"Same"
going nowhere "how're you?"
"Im okay. How're you?"
I've never been worse. Shoot me. "Just okay? I'm gooood :)"
"Yeah, just okay. But don't worry about it"
if you didn't want me to worry about it, then you wouldn't done what I did and said you were good. You brought it up, don't make me ask again or I'll change the subject. "You wanna talk about it?"
"No, I'm fine."
I give up then. "Are you sure."
"Kinda."
AAAGGHHHHH. Fuck this. "Well, I'm always here for you."
"Thanks"
This is when you tell me. "What friends are for."
"How was your day?"
Would you like the truth? Naw. "It was awesome! Yours?"
"it was okay."
NO. Just NO. Enough with the OKAY stuff. "Oh"
"Yup"
Well, that conversation made my day. So interesting.


My feet are freezing. It's August. And I have cold feet...not the expression. Literally cold feet.
Maybe it's the tea. I've had three cups of tea today.
Just added to the headache.


THIS BLOG IS GOING NOWHERE. NOWHERE.

I don't write because I can't sleep, I can't sleep because I write.

I have a favorite poem. I do.
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou

The things I write sound prettier in my head. Maybe I'll just keep
my thoughts in there.


I do not write in pencil. I write in pen. You can't erase pen. Life has no erasers. And my thoughts are as permanent as my choice to write them down.
...back to the "It means what you want it to mean" thing.

"Im still alive but I'm barely breathing, just praying to a god that I don't believe in"

I read my journal from exactly a year ago. I've changed so much.
I hope to god I don't look back at the one I have now and see myself as some stupid clueless girl. Because that's what I was. All I wrote was things like, "And omg! He's like so cute!" actual quote. I wrote that on July 27th 2009.


WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS?
Nowhere.

"Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to"

Do you ever look back and ask yourself if you really loved him? Or love him.
There comes a time when that's necessary..right? I don't. Didn't. Won't. I thought I did.
But it was best friend love.
I hope.
Me and my mixed emotions.

I spent a month writing a poem. Scribbling it on my hand, painting it in my head. A month if switching words in every line because it never sounded right.
I spent two hours reading a response Dissecting every line to figure out what to say to it. How to react. So I react the right way
I spent until I started writing this writing a poem. All I want to do with it is change it.
I spent my day watching Pushing Daisies.

Headache.
Sleep.

I can close my eyes, but I won't fall asleep.
I can count anything, but I won't count sheep.
But I can grip the sleepless nights
use them to think, not say
because I don't think during the day
the melody of silence
the release of being alone
I hate being on my own
but sometimes my body needs a break
so I wait
I can close my eyes
but my mind keeps me awake
until I see the sunlight
and the night sky break.
Sometimes I pull myself out of bed
right there and then
what's the point in sleeping
if you're never dreaming?