T-Swizzle

You are an expert at sorry

and keeping lines blurry 

never impressed by me acing your tests. 

All the girls that you run dry 

have tired lifeless eyes 

'cause you

burned

them

out.

But I took your matches before fire could catch me

so don't look now.

I'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town. 

Ugh. People.

You are so fucking cool. Please, oh please let me be just like you when I grow up. You're just so awesome and different from everyone else that I dream of being like you.

Not.

Congratulations. You can mock someone who killed themselves. Want a cookie? What do you accomplish by doing that? Do you sleep easier knowing you completely disrespected A) Anyone who knew her or cared about her death, and B) Anyone who has felt that way. You can have all of the opinions that you want about why, how, when, or even if she deserved it. But putting it up for anyone to see is nothing but disrespectful. 

Posting things like that and laughing at it like it's a joke is what starts things like this. 

You are no better than a bully. The kind of bully who made that girl kill herself. 

Congratulations. 

I Fucking Hate School.

Sleeping is easier when I'm huddled next to you.
So much easier.

Two Cents.

People always seem to forget they have the ability to move on. Humans can adapt to almost anything, given enough time. 

I always seem to forget that moving on takes time and effort, and I won't wake up in the morning feeling fine. 

But fuck it.

Life is way too short to spend sitting around thinking about people who don't think about you, or missing people who destroyed you. 

It's five in the fucking morning and I'm wide awake. I want to ride my bike around town for an hour, but I haven't even slept yet. So I guess that's out of the question. I could just watch more Pretty Little Liars, but I think it's time I switch up my late night "television" and watch a movie or something on Netflix. I could text Trevor, but I'd feel bad for waking him up. I want to dye my hair. I want to dye it so hard that I look really different. That would be swell. First I need to wash it, which I haven't done in a few days. I'm trying to get my hair healthier this summer, which involves washing it less often and a lot of braids. I could just not sleep tonight...I could get up right now, hop on my bike and take it for a spin around the neighborhood until I get tired. I've been contemplating doing that for a few hours now, but I keep thinking that the second I get up, I'm going to be exhausted. So here I am. Wide awake. I went to bed early last night! How did I go from sleeping at 2, to sleeping at 6? 

Ugh. Life. l: I'm going to be sleeping until like 5 P.M. tomorrow if I don't go to bed soon. 

I have no words.

If our love finds it's way to heaven 
all but too soon
I hope all roads lead back to you
and come December all I'll think about is June.

It's 5 A.M and I'm still awake writing a blog.

Is there something wrong with me? Or do all normal people fall asleep to Geek Charming every night?

I just love that movie so much. There is nothing not-adorable about it. 

And do all normal people suddenly become nocturnal once the clock strikes summer? Tomorrow I am waking up at noon no matter how much sleep I get. Just kidding. I already know how things will go down. I'll wake up at noon, press snooze on my alarm, and as soon as I know it it'll be 3. 

Oh my, it's light outside. 

I want my pink shirt back! I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK.

I need new friends. Ones that aren't assholes.
I take that back, they're not assholes. As a matter of fact, most of them are really nice people. It just really peeves me when someone asks me to hang out, and then I log on to facebook and see they're with someone else. And then I'm sitting there, alone, watching Say Yes To The Dress, wondering why I even make time for you. Bitch please. The next time I'm out and about, spending my time with nice non-asshole people, and you ask me if I can hang out I'm gonna be like FUCK YES LETS HANG OUT RIGHT THIS MOMENT. Then I'll stay right where I am and not even bother to fill you in on the fact that we're not really hanging out. I hope you spend that night alone, watching Say Yes to the Dress. Writing in your blog about how much of an asshole I am for blowing you off. 
But for right now, I hope you had a jolly good time tonight. Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness? 
If you didn't get that reference...just go. 
Today I'm gonna start my mission. This summer, my goal is to get unbelievably pretty. Not because I fucking hate how I am right now, but to make everyone feel like shit. Especially my asshole friend. This way, maybe I won't have to hear another snarky comment about the way I dress, my hair, or my appearance in general.
"I don't see why you don't shop here, they've got all of those ugly-cute clothes you wear."
*Picks up XXL sweat pants* "Who am I? I'm you! You know, because you wear baggy clothes"
Bitch it's sweats.
"I can't see you with a normal hair color, it's gonna be so weird."
"She's so pretty!
...You'd look like her if you lost some of your face fat."
I was never this insecure before I met them.


And then when school starts, I'm going to get a lead in the play, and make a whole bunch of new friends so I'm always too busy for her. 
Because it makes me feel like a bundle of shit to know that I'm the last fucking person you ever want to spend time with. 

I must have written you a million love poems. Lovey, dovey, mushy, gushy, sweet, sappy, perfect, painful, love poems.

I'm an Owl. Hear me Hoot.

You know, I really need to knock my sleeping schedule into whack. Just kidding. I have all summer for that. Why wake up before noon? What greatness goes on before then? I can eat breakfast whenever the hell I want. I can brush my teeth and shower whenever the hell I wake up. Who gives a hoot?
Seriously though, it's the beginning of summer and I'm already nocturnal. I fall asleep at 5 in the morning, and wake up at three P.M. Imagine me a month from now. I'll be sleeping at 11 and waking up at 8 P.M. I actually like sleeping at 5 in the morning. The sounds of birds waking up outside my window has become a lullaby. The sun slipping through the trees outside and into my room is a lot more comforting than pitch black.  Anywhere else, that soft green wouldn't make sense. What.
You know, I feel like I should make this blogging a daily habit. It's weird how I go all day with these emotions and opinions bottled up in my head, but the second I have a chance to set them free I can't think of anything. I suppose I'm too afraid of them. Because if I say things, that makes them harder to avoid. I could think about missing someone all day and be fine, but the second that thought is released, it becomes painful.

It's June 30th, and my bedroom is an icebox.

But you didn't have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. . .

If you could just never speak to me again, that'd be great.
And while you're at it, don't fucking look at me.
Or be in the same room as me.
Or smile at me.
Or talk about me.
Don't even think about me.
Because, you know what?
It really hurts.

This world keeps testin' me.

I have plans tomorrow which means I probably should have gone to bed two hours ago. Fancy fancy font. Alliteration, how brilliant on my part. I have crazy dreams. When I say this to people, they think they can relate to me. Maybe they can't, but I don't think they have dreams THIS fucking weird. I'd keep a dream journal, but that's for people who's dreams actually mean something. Mine are about eyelashes and toilets. Things normal people don't even think about, let alone DREAM about. Most of the time, though, I don't remember the dream. I know I have weird dreams because my first thought upon waking up is "What the FUCK was that?" Then I go back to sleep.
I have the worst headache. I think it's caused by this pimple I have on my temple, but I don't think that's actually possible. Probably a lack of sleep headache. 
This world keeps TESTIN' ME TESTIN' MEEEEEEE.
I think that's how the song goes. I haven't heard it enough times, nor do I love it enough to know the lyrics. But it's stuck in my head. Vultures - John Mayer. A good song. A genuinely good song. 
Why does my head hurt so fucking bad. Good god. As my  pain increases, so does my usage of the word fuck. 
I feel bad for whoever reads this far. Hopefully no one reads this. I like the thought of putting words out there in the open, knowing ANYONE could read it. I like knowing anyone could read it, but no one really will. No one but me, that is. I just spent some time reading old posts on here. I wrote a lot of poems. I write terrible poems now... I can't remember the last poem I wrote.
WAIT. I take that back. I do remember the last poem I wrote. I wrote it in the margins of my Border Studies notebook. Something about seeing eye to eye and finding we're all blind. And then grass being greener on the other side..? No, that's not it.
I'm glad we didn't turn our notebooks in at the end of the year. Mr. Williams would have been grading a lot more than just Border Studies. Since he hardly ever required notebook work, my notebook for his class doubled as one for just about every other class. Math notes, science notes, plans for Drama next year... pretty much everything. Except for health. I never gave a single fuck about health class
I always (well, almost always) drink a glass of water before I go to bed. Tonight, I was in the kitchen and decided lemon water sounded far more tasty than regular water. Long story short, my pants and my bed are lemon watery. Guess I'm sleeping pretty much almost halfway naked tonight. Oooh, so rebellious. 
I think my head is going to fall off. :(
I should take some medicine. 
I watched bridezilla today. How does one's life get so low?

I think back to the end of June 
when baby, it was us
not me and you. 
close my eyes for a minute
flash forward to July
when you kept pretending  
but I knew it was a lie
you go back to her
and the rest is a blur
now it's August third
fourth 
or fifth 
damn, I'm so depressed
I don't know what day it is. 
Sitting in the back of the 128 
I don't know the time, so I can't be that late. 
I keep hoping you wont forget me
you'll regret you left me 
or maybe, 
that's just me.
my friends finding flaws in you I couldn't see
now I'm wondering was it you or was it me?


I know I'm not supposed to turn around 
but I keep looking back 
and I find it kind of funny 
that I can't forget what never had 
let me tell you the worst part of moving on 
is turning around and they're already gone. 

I'll make it look easy
but believe me, it's not.
You make it look easy
you leave me, you're gone.
I'll make it look easy
like you weren't even here
but why do I keep finding you
in this
that
there?
I close my eyes,
flashback to lie number one
mistake number two
strike three, you're done.
I'll open 'em like it's easy
crack jokes
but laughing wont please me
or ease the pain running through
half of my veins are bleeding you.
I'll make it look easy
but damnit, it's hard.
you're sorry you played me?
Baby, I'm no card.

So here's the thing.

Everyone looks at me like I'm a magician, I moved on so fast.

I make it look easy
look at all the people who actually want me.
I don't need you,
if you don't need me.
I'm already gone
when you decide to leave me.
And now you've got candy eyes
feeding me lies
like "baby, I'm sorry."
"Jessie, don't you want me?"
but I'm so sorry
I'm not drowning anymore
now you're on your knees
do you even know what you're sorry for?

meet life,
it's moving on.
I flashback to that night
and just like that, I'm gone
you lied
about what is and isn't
what you did or didn't
what is and what was
but I don't blame you
that's what a liar does.
I'm leaving you
You lost me
like liars do.


I'll just keep going
though I'm out of rhymes
maybe I can write my mind
into the right this time

Hey, Mr. Ego
Mr. Hearts For Dinner
Mr. Fuck her and leaver
Hey Mr. Nice guy
ha, that's a nice lie
Hey, how was forever?
yeah you're smart
but baby, I'm clever.

We fell into each other like summer rain 

with air still warm enough to taste 

we changed like seasons do 

you lied like liars do 

whatever the motivation 

or lack thereof 

whatever the situation 

or one made up 

you can’t change the things you rearranged

or grasp what almost was

you left the scars a liar does 

You weren’t even human 

when you washed me away

we fell apart like summer rain. 

and now you’re sorry 

but I’m so sorry 

I’m not drowning anymore

and now you’re sorry

but darling

what are you sorry for?

And now you’re sorry 

I’m leaving 

now you loved me 

like liars do. 

It's been a while.

I miss my old hair. ):

Down the street from the first house I ever lived in
there were train tracks
I payed no attention to the rumbles
but listened every night
for the screaming horns and whistles
I let them sing me to sleep
once a month, maybe twice
if I got lucky.
they stood there abandoned
sometimes I sat and waited for a train
an angel
a something
to remind those tracks
that they lead to somewhere
somewhere someone needs
someone someone needs.
I remember the nights I couldn't sleep
I would wait for the whistle
that would eventually lead to rumbles
that would hush me to sleep
eventually.
Most nights, they never came.
Most nights, I lie awake with my train tracks
untraveled
but never unloved.
And when we moved out of that house
I stepped out of the boxed I had yet to pack
I reminded those train tracks
that even though you are alone when it's cold
then absorbing sunshine on your own
even when it snows
and there are no blankets to protect you
I think you should know
you're going somewhere
somewhere someone needs to be
someone someone else needs to see.
You are needed
you are loved
even if by no one else,
by me.