Sanity - Gone

2011-08-05T00:47:00.001-07:00

I think back to the end of June
when baby, it was us
not me and you.
close my eyes for a minute
flash forward to July
when you kept pretending
but I knew it was a lie
you go back to her
and the rest is a blur
now it's August third
fourth
or fifth
damn, I'm so depressed
I don't know what day it is.
Sitting in the back of the 128
I don't know the time, so I can't be that late.
I keep hoping you wont forget me
you'll regret you left me
or maybe,
that's just me.
my friends finding flaws in you I couldn't see
now I'm wondering was it you or was it me?

I know I'm not supposed to turn around
but I keep looking back
and I find it kind of funny
that I can't forget what never had
let me tell you the worst part of moving on
is turning around and they're already gone.

2011-07-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

I'll make it look easy
but believe me, it's not.
You make it look easy
you leave me, you're gone.
I'll make it look easy
like you weren't even here
but why do I keep finding you
in this
that
there?
I close my eyes,
flashback to lie number one
mistake number two
strike three, you're done.
I'll open 'em like it's easy
crack jokes
but laughing wont please me
or ease the pain running through
half of my veins are bleeding you.
I'll make it look easy
but damnit, it's hard.
you're sorry you played me?
Baby, I'm no card.

2011-07-30T04:24:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing.

Everyone looks at me like I'm a magician, I moved on so fast.

I make it look easy
look at all the people who actually want me.
I don't need you,
if you don't need me.
I'm already gone
when you decide to leave me.
And now you've got candy eyes
feeding me lies
like "baby, I'm sorry."
"Jessie, don't you want me?"
but I'm so sorry
I'm not drowning anymore
now you're on your knees
do you even know what you're sorry for?

meet life,
it's moving on.
I flashback to that night
and just like that, I'm gone
you lied
about what is and isn't
what you did or didn't
what is and what was
but I don't blame you
that's what a liar does.
I'm leaving you
You lost me
like liars do.

I'll just keep going
though I'm out of rhymes
maybe I can write my mind
into the right this time

Hey, Mr. Ego
Mr. Hearts For Dinner
Mr. Fuck her and leaver
Hey Mr. Nice guy
ha, that's a nice lie
Hey, how was forever?
yeah you're smart
but baby, I'm clever.

2011-07-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

We fell into each other like summer rain

with air still warm enough to taste

we changed like seasons do

you lied like liars do

whatever the motivation

or lack thereof

whatever the situation

or one made up

you can’t change the things you rearranged

or grasp what almost was

you left the scars a liar does

You weren’t even human

when you washed me away

we fell apart like summer rain.

2011-07-29T23:15:00.001-07:00

and now you’re sorry

but I’m so sorry

I’m not drowning anymore

and now you’re sorry

but darling

what are you sorry for?

And now you’re sorry

I’m leaving

now you loved me

like liars do.

It's been a while.

2011-07-29T23:07:00.001-07:00

2011-05-05T21:21:00.001-07:00

I miss my old hair. ):

2011-05-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

2011-04-05T23:38:00.001-07:00

Down the street from the first house I ever lived in
there were train tracks
I payed no attention to the rumbles
but listened every night
for the screaming horns and whistles
I let them sing me to sleep
once a month, maybe twice
if I got lucky.
they stood there abandoned
sometimes I sat and waited for a train
an angel
a something
to remind those tracks
that they lead to somewhere
somewhere someone needs
someone someone needs.
I remember the nights I couldn't sleep
I would wait for the whistle
that would eventually lead to rumbles
that would hush me to sleep
eventually.
Most nights, they never came.
Most nights, I lie awake with my train tracks
untraveled
but never unloved.
And when we moved out of that house
I stepped out of the boxed I had yet to pack
I reminded those train tracks
that even though you are alone when it's cold
then absorbing sunshine on your own
even when it snows
and there are no blankets to protect you
I think you should know
you're going somewhere
somewhere someone needs to be
someone someone else needs to see.
You are needed
you are loved
even if by no one else,
by me.

2011-01-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

They say even heroes fall down sometimes
The best of the best find a way to fall
Every once in a while
And that's what makes them great
Getting up with a smile

Sometimes I think of a superhero
as the man that can convince a 15 year old girl
she is beautiful.
Because these days it so hard to find a mirror
that doesn't reflect lies into young eyes.
I think of a hero as someone who knows
that hands are not for holding guns or throwing signs
someone who reminds kids that hands are for holding
hands are for molding
playdoh into people
A hero is a person who can stand
eye to eye
face to face
hand in hand
with fear
and keep walking because they know
it's just one more mountain to climb.

I've fallen and I've stood again
But I promise I'm no superwomen
I can't save a life
Or walk through walls
Believe me, I've tried
I can't catch a fall
Or hold the weight of a lie
Let alone the world
On my shoulders
I can't move boulders
or stop a train
I can only fall and get up again

We all wish to be invincible
Incredible, invisible
Everyone wants a super hero
I'm no super women
There's a tear down my cape
I have no one but myself to save
I am no super women
I'm only human
So when you find there's a hole in my cape
And my wings are broken
Don't be disappointed

/:

2011-01-17T22:23:00.000-08:00

The other day I tried typing out all of the lyrics to the song I was listening to to someone else. It wasn't the same.

It's weird when you miss someone more than you expected. because then you don't have a clue what to feel and everything is all mixed up and crazy.

2011-01-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

No one reads this blog.
So I might start writing in it more. I made a Tumbler. I love Tumblr.
But everyone is making one and I had one so I could write the things that I don't want everyone to know.
My friends are getting on me nerves.
They always forget about me.
So then I'm stuck listening to their fucking stories and pretending to not be hurt.
Bitches.

2010-11-27T03:43:00.001-08:00

I wish I could drop my artificial smile
and half witted lies

2010-11-27T03:36:00.000-08:00

All I've ever wanted to be is human
but all I've ever felt
is like a monster fighting a battle
with myself

Walking and talking
without knowing feeling
hurting but never healing
No talents
no dreams
a zombie constantly
trying to be
what everyone else wants my mirror to see
now I can't believe this monster is me

I want to be human
I want prince charming to love me
I want to look down
but sent prayers above me

I want concrete hourglasses
and wish on number as time passes
all I've ever wanted is to feel alive
but all I see
is a monster inside

I'm a secondhand vintage version of myself
Continually compared to everyone else
I wish I could put the mirror down
remove the makeup
turn around
life isn't as simple
when it's your own in your hands
take off your mask
it might help you understand
that I won't let myself be human
because they make mistakes
take Barbie dolls and altered reflections
I'm what that makes.
All I've ever wanted is to feel human
but I'd rather be a monster
than feel this fake.

If I Were To Write a Book

2010-11-27T01:56:00.001-08:00

I want to make a documentary using nothing but a camera
on city buses.
Because I have a million ideas of what the story behind each face that gets on might be.
And sometimes I feel like writing it down.

2010-10-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me if I knew you
I could only ask "wait, who?"
"Oh, him. Not a clue"
I almost said I used to
almost said I loved you
we were just kids
so who knows if I did

I found myself flipping through memories
skimming old texts last night
flashing back to how you fixed me
I almost wanted to make things right
I don't know where you went
when you walked out of my life

You were the mistake I wish I'd never made
but the one I'd never change
someone told me about you
that you're her perfect little dream come true
she told me everything I already knew
I could only bite my tongue
let my heart go numb
act through the heartbreak
tell myself you were a mistake

It was all a game
one I never learned to play
walk into my life
just to walk away

I am stronger now
I can live without
I was always yours
but you were never mine
ps. I hope she rips your heart out
A million times

Fuck.

2010-10-05T21:45:00.001-07:00

"First on my neverending list is Jessica Perez! I met Jessica last year , we had the same lunch but we never got to be good friends. Said hi once in a while, but never got close. Until the beginning of this year, she has been there for me through thick and thin and I know I can always trust her! We sometimes write poetry together and I'll admit, we're not half bad:) I'm so happy we became good friends! Love you Jess:)"

- A Long Long Time Ago.

2010-09-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

This worlds gonna knock you down
but it's up to you to turn around
give everyone a smile
even if they don't deserve it
'cause with a smile like yours
don't reserve it

I've been standing here all along
with my arms wide open
waiting alone
on the outside
of this broken mess
you've left me on the outside
you've left me feeling worthless

You smile, I fly
you cry, I die
I don't care how many bones I have to break
jokes I have to throw at you
or smiles I have to fake
all I want is for you to break into that smile I know too well
no matter what it takes

I wish my shoulders were strong enough to lean on
I wish they were perfect enough to cry on
but when the world forgets your smile,
look to your side 'cause you'll find I was never gone
I wish I knew how to fix you
to be the one you need
but I can't get you to understand this
for the life of me

I am on the outside
and if thats where you want me , I'll stay
just know I'd cry myself to sleep forever
if it meant your pain would go away
I am never
ever
ever
ever
going to stop caring about you
even when you don't need or want me to

Don't you ever apologize for being you
or let an empty heart get you down
remember when you're being stabbed in the back
don't turn around
keep walking and don't let them get your heart
and when they do I'll help you when you fall apart

I am on the outside
wanting to be there for you
and help you like friends do
I'm on the outside
PS. I love you

Mhmm.

2010-09-19T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm standing on the outside
of a broken mess
you've left me on the outside
you've left me feeling worthless

I couldn't get you to understand for the life of me
just how much I care
that I'm standing on the outside
while you're hurting in there

I want to be the one to fix you
I want to be the one you need
I want you to know when your tears are falling
you can come to me
I want my shoulder to be good enough
to lean on, to cry on
I want you to see that when the world walks out
I'll never be gone

You cry, I cry
tears fall, I die
I'm on the outside
wanting in
I'll say it again
I wish I could be the one
to take it all away
I'll cry myself to sleep every night
if you're never feeling pain
I am never
ever
ever
ever
going to stop caring about you
even when you don't need or want me to

I'm on the outside
wanting to be there for you
'cause thats what friends do

PS. I love you.

You'll Never Be Alone, I Promise.

2010-09-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

I'm always gonna be here
waiting to do whatever it takes
to make you smile
no matter how many bones I break
or smiles I have to fake

I'll always be right here
I'm never going to leave your side
standing alone most of the time
with my arms spread wide
waiting for my shoulder
to be good enough to cry on
I'll never stop caring
even when you're long gone

all I ever want to do
is fix you
and listen to you
and help you
I'm always going to be there for you
even when you don't want me to
or need me to

I'm always gonna be right here
ready to lend an ear
catch a tear
stand with you fighting fears
even though
part of me knows
I'm waiting around for nothing
because you don't need me
still, I'd do anything
whatever it takes
to make you smile
no matter how many bones I have to break.

I Am.

2010-09-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

I am the girl who tries so damn hard to change
what she sees inside of her
but in the end all she does
is alter the face in her mirror
Another girl who swears she's fine
promises she doesn't mind
when she's always the one left behind
I am the girl who will leave you before you get the chance
to think about goodbye
the girl with broken wings
but will always try to fly
The girl who when you call her "beuteful"
all I do is correct your spelling because I know
you only mean it until someone else
walks in and steals the show
the girl who never has
and never will leave your side
leave
come back
leave again
and walk back in
just another girl who hopes one day
she'll be something worth staying for
even though
She lost everyone just to prove she could
to prove him wrong when he said he would
I'm the girl who's always smiling
because she hopes one day
someone will like it, and stay..

Tell Me..

2010-09-02T13:36:00.001-07:00

Tell my how the bird with broken wings
flies the highest
tell me how the loneliest star is the one
that shines the brightest
tell my why raindrops fall with my world
and come crashing to the ground
tell me how silence always seems to be
the loudest kind of sound
tell me how an empty one is always
the most beautiful sky
tell my why it rains
tell me why you cry.

Dear Alicia...

2010-08-31T16:23:00.000-07:00

I was asked a while ago what I would do if I had one wish. And like anyone who actually thinks about it I said, "More wishes." to which they replied, "thats cheating."
But now that I am taking time to really think about the question at hand, I would want to email you. I'd want to send a letter to heaven, and get one back. I'd ask you how your last breath tasted, and if you miss the world you ran away from.
To which you would reply with your straight letters and perfectly dotted I's, your handwriting that is small but every word is beautiful. You would reply with, "Don't worry about me, I'm happy up here. I've been with you every day since my last breath that tasted like rain. I would go back and undo it if I could but who wouldn't?"
and I'd check my mail every five minutes. And we would talk. Thats what I would wish for.
And while I talked to you in heaven via snail mail. Out of everything you could say to me, of every looped Y and meticulously dotted I, all I would want to hear is, "It's not your fault."
Thats what I would wish for.

Lost And Found.

2010-08-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I find myself hiding

because I'm secretly hoping

someone will be lonely without me and come find me

lost to be found

leaving because all I want is you to open your eyes

and ask me to turn around

I've learned silence speaks out loud

it's voice is the loudest kind of sound

you can always hear me but it's impossible to get someone to

actually listen

sometimes I find myself bent over backwards

but I never break

wanting to sleep, but keeping myself awake

and I'm lost because I want to be found

I want someone to miss me

to be lonely

and come find me.

I Will Learn.

2010-08-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

I've been told there will always be a river
A little to wide
For me to jump in
And swim to the other side
My legs will tire, my arms lose control
I smile and nod
Not listening at all

I've been told there will be a mountain
That touches the sky
I won't be able to make it
A mountain I can't climb
The slope too deep,
It's a slip and slide
I've been told to find a mountain not so high
Because there's a mountain I can't climb
I smile and nod
Not listening at all

Rivers bigger than I
Mountains in the sky
I've been told I won't make it
I smile nod
Not speaking a word
Until I part my lips and say
"I will learn."

Teardrops, Raindrops, Bus Stops.

2010-08-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

I can't write a love poem to save my life
so this must be important if I'm gonna try
I'm not good at taking my heart and putting it's beat on paper
because once I write a good one
someones feeling start to taper
so I stop my heart beat right there and grab an eraser
but it's hard to erase the person
who gives you the motivation and emotion
to even begin to write a poem that won't end
with teardrops
and walking in raindrops
to bus stops
just to get away from the place so full memories
wishful thinking and broken dreams
leaving to escape the end of "You and me"
me and you
you and I
I'd try and try
to write a perfect poem if it meant that you meant it when you said
we'll never say goodbye
but you didn't because we did
and they were all right saying we're just kids
I"m not strong enough to open a lid
so how was I supposed to hold on to you
I wasn't strong enough to pull through
this kind of pain should be reserved for when it's deserved
but I guess you're worth it
because you're not crying or dying or even trying
all you're doing is not replying and goodbye-ing
I couldn't write a love poem to save my life
but why would I try?
all it ever ends with is a silent goodbye.

Long Time No Poem.

2010-08-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

I tackled my best friend
when she told me you missed me

I tried to sleep again a million times

to finish the dream where you kissed me

I gave up my other half

to wake up and find.....you left me.

If I could I'd go and sell my broken heart

on the internet for free

I'd pay someone to take it and fix it for me

and if it is as unfixable as it seems

I'd ask them to go and hide it somewhere away from my mind
somewhere beautiful but I wont be able to find
because with it gone I could really be fine

I thought these things only happened

on those dramas I'm addicted to on TV

The ones we all watch to escape reality

but if this is reality please I'm begging you
let me dream

I've up every night until five am

because I can't sleep while remembering what you said
I could hear a spider walk but theres chaos in my head
I can't sleep thinking about how not good enough I am

and it hurts twice as much knowing you can

I'm up every night until you wake up

and sometimes I grab myself a coffee cup,

because I know

that sleep is out of the question even though it's the answer

because I'm still trying to dream again the dream

where you kissed me

I'm trying to relive the day

where you were the one who missed me.

If You Need A Shoulder :)

2010-08-25T03:43:00.001-07:00

When You Need A Shoulder

by Jadon Nester and Jessica Perez

When you need a shoulder stand by me

I can end all of your pain and misery

Call me when you're smiling or lonely

I'll be right there you know i'm your homie

I can only promise you this

Our times together will be bliss

I'll make myself worth it

Our companionship will be a gift

I'll be there to prove you right when you're wrong

And if you feel sad we could write wonderful songs

Cause side by side we're twice as strong

Anywhere and everywhere I'll bring you along

I'll catch your tears and fight your fears

Our power will be envied by all of our peers

Through the best and the worst I'm right here

Secret handshakes, nicknames and the friendship cheer

While I'm alive you'll never be alone

With me you'll never be on your own

Even milestones down the road

I wish you would have listened this here news is old.

Delete.

2010-08-20T03:45:00.001-07:00

I still can't delete them
I could remove the heart next to his name
Even the smiley face
But not the things he'd say
If I delete them maybe
They'll end up in the trash bin of my mind as well
One click ending my emotional hell
But if I press the button
Erase the conversations I have on replay
That I remember once a day
The feelings that won't go away
If I press delete
Then I'm one step closer
To ending the lie I tell myself
Then it's actually over.
And that might hurt even more.

Heart = Broken.

2010-08-19T03:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever sit with a song on replay for hours just because the lyrics make you feel a little less alone? Because you're like everyone else and have it in your head that no one understands but, in my case, John Mayer. Because the words tell your story so you listen to it over and over again to match the details and wonder how you got here. How you got to not sleeping and instead listening to slow sad love songs all night and then half the morning. You wonder if it's a dream because you promised yourself when you were younger "that will never happen to me." And then what feels like the very next morning you never knew you could cry so much, hurt so much, think so much. And not sleeping just adds to it because when you can dream, you try over and over again all morning and then afternoon to dream that dream again. It doesn't matter anyways, not getting out of bed. You swear to yourself you're never going to find the motivation to go outside and breathe. The self esteem to find someone new.
...but maybe, just maybe, thats just me.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

2010-08-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

Shoulders back
chin up
smile
I tell myself that over and over again
but standing tall in front of my reflection
all I see is false confidence
masking my imperfections
I can't make eye contact with the girl in my mirror
All I can think is
how did I get here?

When did I begin to hide
more importantly when did I
have anything to hide
since when do I feel pain
besides a bruise or two
since when is a smile
nothing but a mask for the truth

Who is this girl?
when did she get so mean ?
Who's smile is that?
What?
It can't be me.

She doesn't laugh anymore
she ignores the open doors
perfectly happy being alone
growing up on her own

Shoulders back
chin up
smile
It's fake but it's who I see
and all I can think is
this girl
she's not me
she's not laughing at crazy things
she's not running for the hell of it
crashing into daisies for the smell of it
I stand a little taller
to see myself a little clearer
Looking in the mirror
how did I get here?

Shadow.

2010-08-19T03:03:00.000-07:00

I don't want a friend

best friend

I don't want an anybody

to be my shadow

to follow me

Shadows stand by your side

sharing the brightest lights

always being cast aside

but a shadow never seems to mind

but you're never burning alone

walking the streets not on your own

but a shadow fades with the light

and when darkness strikes

a shadow

when you need someone

something to make you feel not as alone

a shadow is never around

disappearing until dawn.

Eviction Notice.

2010-08-19T02:57:00.000-07:00

You are no longer allowed to step foot in my mind

no coming back for anything

you may have left behind

the memories are stuck with me

don't be surprised if I send them in a letter

maybe when they're eating you

I'll feel a whole lot better

don't you dare cross the line

into my broken mind

the damage has been done

I can clean it up on my own

I'm already used to being alone

Here is your letter of eviction

a two week notice

just leave me to pick myself up

because everytime

you walk back into my life

you leave a little more heartache behind

I packed for you

every poem about you

every smile I can recall

everytime you caught my fall

the memories

are stuck on me

but I can't have your face

painted on my dreams

I just can't take it

So leave.

Disappearing Act.

2010-08-19T02:47:00.000-07:00

Make up your mind already

I'm on my knees

demanding for you to please

just stop messing with me

one minute you're here

the next you're gone

and it all seems so wrong

this disappearing act you pull

I see you

now I don't

You'll be here forever

then no you wont

Just make up your mind

I'm tired of second guessing myself

of playing games

I'd be fine if it was anyone else

and I've been living in confusion

constant contradiction

and you're all of my frustrations.

but my favorite addiction.

I can play the game you play

a little too well

I've learned from you

and can put you in hell

now you see me

now you don't

I'll always be here

Just kidding

you know I won't

but it hurts so I stand

and take blow after blow

but make up your mind

Are you here or not?

I need to know

Health.

2010-08-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

Today may be dark
Today may be dreary
But you must live today
To see tomorrow clearly

Don't worry about the sadness
Stay strong through the pain
They say you can't have a rainbow
If you never have any rain

So remember to keep your head
Remember to stay strong
Because if you need someone to be there
With me, you'll always belong

- Jessica Perez and Trevor Chalcraft

High School and John Mayer

2010-08-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

I am officially the only person I know who is not excited for high school. Only one who doesn't want this summer to end because I'm afraid things won't ever be the same. This time we're all going to different schools, different small schools. I'll be at the art school while everyone else is somewhere else. No one will be there with me, and theres nothing I hate more than being alone. Yeah, I'm extremely friendly and I make friends easily, but I hate having to start over and make new friends. At least majority of my friends will be at Highline, I just won't have any classes with them.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have dreams bigger than me because nothing comes out of it but obstacles. And loneliness. But I'm sure thats only for me and everyone else.
I haven't blogged in a long time, and now I know why. I''m blank. I have nothing to write about.

It's been a long night in New York City, it's been a long night in Austin too. I don't remember you looking any better... but then again, I don't remember you.

I know a boy, he puts the color inside of my world. But he's just like a maze, where all of the walls continually change. And I've done all I can, to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand. But now I'm starting to see, maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

I'd like to tell you, stay inside the lines. But something better is on the other side.

I just found out theres no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above.

Take all of your wasted honor, all you little past frustrations. Take all of your so-called problems, better put 'em in quotations. Say what you need to say.

Walking like a one man army, fighting with the shadows in your head. Living out the same old moment. Knowing you'd be better off instead if you could only say what you need to say

Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood. They say we stand for nothing, and theres no way we ever could. We see everything thats going on, with the world and those who lead it. We just feel like we don't have the means to rise above and beat it.

It's not that we don't care. We just know that the fight ain't fair. So we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change.

One day our generation is gonna rule the population.

Whoa, gravity, stay the hell away from me.

I' could've met you in the sandbox, could've passed you on the sidewalk. Could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away? No way.

Until then I'll hide in my bedroom. Sitting up all night just to write a love song for no one.

John Mayer<3 ^^

Yup/:

2010-08-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

Things That Should Be Illegal:
Boys who mess with your head
Liking those boys
Those boys being BEAUTIFUL
Those boys starting out as the most amazing and best best friend you've ever had... and then changing into an asshole
but at times they go back to ALMOST caring as much as they used to
Those boys saying they like you... and every time they say it you're reeled in like a sea bass.. but then they spend all of their free time with every other girl but you.
those kissy faces should be banned.
Fighting with those boys
and then they get mad at you for things you didn't do without even asking about it
and they get mad FOR ANOTHER GIRL
then they say they can't stand fighting with you, but they just keep picking more
those boys telling you no matter what you'll always be friends.
and believing those boys should be illegal.
those boys who, when you ask them about that other whore they're ALWAYS with, deny it all and lie to you like you're an idiot
those boys who then go hit on your best friend and assume that you're assuming that they're over you.
Those boys sending you more mixed signals
until those boys just walk out of your life like it's nothing
and all of those other things people warn you about when you meet those boys but you don't listen.
and those boys that you can think of a million reasons why you hate them SO much.
and those boys that when you see that picture they just uploaded your heart nearly explodes.
those boys when "your song" comes on, you trip and you stumble and try so hard to hold back tears and you have this urge to curl up in a ball and kick your radio at the same time
Those boys that make you love them.

...AND I SHOULD BE IN JAIL.

All I Ever Do Is Write You Love Poems

2010-08-07T00:53:00.001-07:00

Every other poem that drips from my pen
Every word I mold
Story I unfold
Is a love poem.
Because all I ever do is write you love poems.
Not the sappy sweet mushy gushy symphonies
One thinks of when they think of a love poem
But I write about every flaw I can find
Every time you fucked with my mind
You always have a fight to pick
Your choice of words makes me sick
Your eyes are not bright to me
They're bruised apple shaded green
Your chin is off
That thing you call a smile that slides across your face
Is nothing but a Colgate disgrace
You have a callick on the back edge of your personality
Your jokes aren't funny to me
You over react
They say opposites attract
You and I prove that fact
Everyone says you're perfect
But I pen your flaws
I sift and I dig holes in my memory
Trying to get myself to agree with me
When I say I don't love you anymore
That what we had will remain shattered on the floor
The shards reflect a blinding light
And I add that to my list of reasons
Of feelings to fight
All I ever do is write you love poems
That I tuck away
Folded into a dirty desk drawer to collect dust
I place them in my lungs because my heart is full of you
They contaminate me and you're all that I breath in or out
I'd say you're air but I don't need you
All I ever do is write you love poems
And missing you has absolutely.....
EVERYTHING to do with it.

I Hate You. Crying.

2010-08-06T01:49:00.000-07:00

Dear YouShouldButYouDon'tKnowWhoYouAre,

The level of hate I have for you in my body is simply unimaginable. Like Lima beans, celery, ketchup, and mayo all mixed together. Just the thought, just hearing your name makes me physically ill. When you open your mouth I want to do nothing but shove something in it to make you stop speaking. Your happiness makes me cry. Which is odd because even though I would rather you jump off of the planet and crash into the sun...I ALWAYS check in when something might be wrong.

I hate to open my eyes and cry

the only thing falling is a sign

a symbol that I am weak

a drop for every thing thats wrong with me

gliding down my cheeks

I don't let myself cry

although when the barriers are torn

its a sign that I

I am alive

Literally...No, Figuratively.

2010-08-05T04:31:00.000-07:00

Poems literally
no..figuratively
fly out of my pen
the second the clock strikes
anything after two am.

Because thats when I can grab the silence like the ripest
most patiently high apple
waiting on the top of the tree.
when I look into the darkest corner of my room
and feel poems and thoughts that are flowers
who need nothing but silence and darkness to bloom
a time when I have no distractions
and I sift through my mind
this is my time to lay flat on my floor
and decided
Sleep isn't on my list of worries
because over time I've learned the art
of waking up in a hurry

because everything is clearer
even the face in my mirror
literally
no figuratively
at anything after two am

Right?

2010-08-05T04:24:00.000-07:00

What time does the average human being

close their eyes and fall asleep

when does normal take hold of me?

How many times a month

how many times a week

does the average human being dream?

when am I SUPPOSED do anything?

But normal is a word

average is a label

right?

Because I wake up at eleven

and I fall asleep at eight

is the average human being

always running late

do normal people lose track of the date

see it all as tuesday?

I've been told over again that normal is a word

average is a label

I'm me and that's perfectly fine

right?

Might Have Been

2010-08-05T04:20:00.001-07:00

Every other poem that I pen

is a love poem

thinking of you again

and all thats spinning around

dancing through whats left of my head

we might have been.

I Know It's Four Am. . .

2010-08-05T04:17:00.000-07:00

I'm keeping secrets from myself
When I say nobody knows
I mean nobody
because I don't trust my reflection
not to tell the girl she's looking at
About the chaos thats her own mind.
I'm keeping secrets
telling lies
but they don't seem so beautiful
when I find the truth and look it in the eyes
I'm lying to myself
I tell myself that he still loves me
I whisper everything will be alright
I say that I'm honestly okay
but I'm keeping secrets.
Because nobody knows
nobody
but the reflection starting back at me.
Which makes me shake and worry
she's not very trustworthy

Fight Fight Fight

2010-08-05T04:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting and scheming

the most unimaginably twisted things

are tumbling right out of me

I say I want you gone forever

throw whatever I can muster

We're fighting a war

so much bigger than the one we fought before

because we're against each other

I'm with him to make you jealous

you're with her and in love

but you still stoop to my level

as if enough isn't enough

You say you're done

I say fine

me too

but I know in ten seconds

it's "baby I love you"

I'm laughing now at everything you do and say

because all I want is you to go away

Theres a never in every forever

here's to the end

Funny how it is

because five seconds ago you were my best friend.

Homeless.

2010-08-05T04:00:00.000-07:00

I sit down and try to read him
but I can't look to long
it's a preview
a demo of what I won't know unless I reach out
and muster up half an ounce of courage to ask
I think up a million ways he got here
a billion identities
fallen families
I wonder if he has a wife
to fall asleep with tonight
No - Probably most likely not.

From my half a second
don't you dare stare demo
he is middle aged
not old enough to be old
not young enough to be new
his face is masked with a beard
with a story hidden in each strand of hair
his eyes are constantly crying
but he wont shed a tear
his clothes are older than me it seems
they're draped across his body like a table cloth a little to big
he hasn't had a thing to eat
in more than just a couple weeks

I sit down and try to read the people
who don't give half a damn
am I the only one who reads the sign in his hand?
"I'll take anything useless from you.
but if not, just a smile would do"
I wish I could collect smiles in a can
I'd bottle them up
and hand them to this man
I place five in his hand
because that all I can.
With the bill I show a smile
the biggest one I can mold
I reach out and shake
the most unreadable hand I'll ever hold
Yet the crying eyes break into a smile
I stare a second too long
I want to read the middle aged
too young to be new
too old to be old man.

I walk away with questions
about the man I couldn't read
I wonder if tomorrow
he'll wake up on a different street
I hope he takes that 500 cents
and buys himself something small to eat.
I realize I have a million hoodies
all too big for me
I play with the fabric
and walk back to that street
but the man is gone.
And I am left with my half a minute don't you dare stare demo
and a million scenarios of what could have happened
to the not too old yet too young to be homeless man.

Not Quite Yet

2010-08-05T03:39:00.000-07:00

It seems I've been knocked down again

no, not quite yet

But I am standing on a stack of cards

dancing on glass table

Playing with the possibility

no, the certainty

that you will hurt me

like a flower at the break of winter

I'm waiting for the ice

your cold words trying to be nice

telling me that maybe

this isn't quite right

I am a leaf at the tippy top

clinging to a maple tree

Though I can see it coming

I hope autumn wont catch me

yet.

I watch you drift away from whatever we are

even though you're not getting too far

not far enough for me to cry

but I'm still not strong enough to say goodbye

Not far enough to be out of sight

I'm not in an airplane

you're no ant to me

You haven't run far enough for me to do much

Yet.

You haven't knocked me down

winter hasn't hit

You're not far enough

just yet.

Dreams and Goals and What May Not Happen

2010-08-05T03:21:00.001-07:00

I want to be a spoken word poet.
I want to be just like.....Sarah Kay.

I am Learning.

2010-08-05T03:06:00.001-07:00

I am standing in front of a mirror
Memorizing pointless lines
That only have meaning to me
I read between them
But that's not the point, poetry
If I can memorize
Just a couple more lines in a couple more minutes
Just imagine what I could do with a script.

The amount of dust on the off switch
On my radio is absurd
But I'm too busy to notice
I'm listening to every word
The music and the lyrics
Peanut butter and jelly
I sit for hours listening
I am learning.
I want to hear my voice one day
Singing myself to sleep.

I watch movies with no plot
Because I pay negative amounts of attention
I'm too busy watching the actors
And actresses
Noting every facial expression.
I look at the way they move
When they're reciting lines
It's planned but you can't tell
I want to learn how they make it so real.
Because when I turn on the TV
I want to see me staring back at me

I don't read for entertainment
Well, most of the time
I read to read between the lines
I read to grow into the one who molded the story
Who pens the words we all feel
But don't quite have the attention span
Imagination
Or words to say ourselves
I want to see my name printed in jet black ink
Jessica Perez
On a best seller list

I want to leave behind me
Something more than just memories
I want to leave a movie
A book for my kids kids kids kid to read
I want to leave my mind
Line by line
Songs by song
Movies and pictures in magazines
So I stand, watch, listen, read
Without speaking a word
Because I want to learn.

Scattered.

2010-08-01T03:38:00.000-07:00

"I worry about you"
I worry about me too
"you do"
all the time.
"Why?"
I figured someone has to
"I worry about you"
I bet you do.

I don't know what that was, don't ask me what that was.
I don't know what that means, don't ask me what that means.
Because if I knew I'd be explaining myself right now.
So I'll make it easy on myself and say it means whatever you want it to mean. If anything at all.
That's EXACTLY my point.
What's your point?
I don't have one.

WHAT GOES ON IN MY HEAD DURING A CONVERSATION.

"Hello"
Hi. "Hi"
"Whats up?"
I want to end this now. I don't know what to say when people ask that. "Nothing much, you?"
"Same"
going nowhere "how're you?"
"Im okay. How're you?"
I've never been worse. Shoot me. "Just okay? I'm gooood :)"
"Yeah, just okay. But don't worry about it"
if you didn't want me to worry about it, then you wouldn't done what I did and said you were good. You brought it up, don't make me ask again or I'll change the subject. "You wanna talk about it?"
"No, I'm fine."
I give up then. "Are you sure."
"Kinda."
AAAGGHHHHH. Fuck this. "Well, I'm always here for you."
"Thanks"
This is when you tell me. "What friends are for."
"How was your day?"
Would you like the truth? Naw. "It was awesome! Yours?"
"it was okay."
NO. Just NO. Enough with the OKAY stuff. "Oh"
"Yup"
Well, that conversation made my day. So interesting.

My feet are freezing. It's August. And I have cold feet...not the expression. Literally cold feet.
Maybe it's the tea. I've had three cups of tea today.
Just added to the headache.

THIS BLOG IS GOING NOWHERE. NOWHERE.

I don't write because I can't sleep, I can't sleep because I write.

I have a favorite poem. I do.
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou

The things I write sound prettier in my head. Maybe I'll just keep
my thoughts in there.

I do not write in pencil. I write in pen. You can't erase pen. Life has no erasers. And my thoughts are as permanent as my choice to write them down.
...back to the "It means what you want it to mean" thing.

"Im still alive but I'm barely breathing, just praying to a god that I don't believe in"

I read my journal from exactly a year ago. I've changed so much.
I hope to god I don't look back at the one I have now and see myself as some stupid clueless girl. Because that's what I was. All I wrote was things like, "And omg! He's like so cute!" actual quote. I wrote that on July 27th 2009.

WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS?
Nowhere.

"Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to"

Do you ever look back and ask yourself if you really loved him? Or love him.
There comes a time when that's necessary..right? I don't. Didn't. Won't. I thought I did.
But it was best friend love.
I hope.
Me and my mixed emotions.

I spent a month writing a poem. Scribbling it on my hand, painting it in my head. A month if switching words in every line because it never sounded right.
I spent two hours reading a response Dissecting every line to figure out what to say to it. How to react. So I react the right way
I spent until I started writing this writing a poem. All I want to do with it is change it.
I spent my day watching Pushing Daisies.

Headache.
Sleep.

I can close my eyes, but I won't fall asleep.
I can count anything, but I won't count sheep.
But I can grip the sleepless nights
use them to think, not say
because I don't think during the day
the melody of silence
the release of being alone
I hate being on my own
but sometimes my body needs a break
so I wait
I can close my eyes
but my mind keeps me awake
until I see the sunlight
and the night sky break.
Sometimes I pull myself out of bed
right there and then
what's the point in sleeping
if you're never dreaming?

World War Three.

2010-07-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

"Who's your best friend"

Oh, I don't have one

"Why not"

She's long gone.

I catch myself as I spit the words

I stop and look around

It had to be someone else

My apologies come out

without sound

I taste the hate on my tongue

in the things I send your way

I listen to myself

as if I'm someone else

the things anger makes me say

I watch myself reach out

as the monster I am

I shove you away from me.

I shove away the memories

I push the one thing

that had some kind of value to me

I reach out

watch myself

as I'm someone else

and leave my best friend

Now I'm standing in the bleakest corner

of my empty room

starting at the photographs

memories of you

Staring at the one mistake

you wont let me undo

Arms folded neatly

like laundry across my chest

glaring at what I created

staring at this mess.

I stand back

helpless

as one by one

memory by memory

the girl who was apart of me

I watch each one fall.

As each smile hits the cold floor

as cold as I've been to you

I bow my head

hearing over and over

and over again

all that was spit and said

my tears are ice

they break on the floor

I don't want to cry anymore

the fighting is old

the yelling is stale

what started out as wind and rain

is thunder and hail

I regret everytime I spoke your name

the things I said in pain

as I stare at the aftermath

I'm the one to blame

look at what we've done

we're world war three.

to think we were inseparable

identical at heart

to think we sat and swore

we wouldn't be apart

When I stood up on stage

you followed close behind

when I stumbled

messed up

you gave me another try

I listened to your dreams

I heard your tears

I stood with you

fighting fears.

I remember sitting on the bleachers

when I lost a battle with myself

you looked at me and promised

you'd do anything to help

you sat that day

caught me by the eye

"I promise we won't have to say goodbye"

Secrets we whispered

promises made

days where you'd run for cover

while I danced through the rain

I stop myself mid-memory

shake away everything

I look at the phone thrown on my bed

I can press the buttons

make a call

but I stop and shake my head

you wouldn't answer me

we're world war three

flashback to the things I said

I stabbed you in the back

I laughed at you

as I headed down a different track

You stared at me

fought me back

we threw words at each other

I couldn't stop myself

I hated you.

saw you as someone else.

I watch the birthday parties

acting competitions

rehearsals

lunches

mirror pictures

I watch everything that meant something

fall

so silently.

I won't chase you down

I won't swallow my pride

I won't look at you

or apologize

but as I stare at us

ruins of us on the floor

I collapse

I don't want to cry anymore

I don't want to fight this war

"whos your best friend"

Oh, I don't have one.

"why not?"

she's long gone.

...and I want her back.

And I Just Wanted To Say I'm Sorry.

2010-07-30T16:34:00.000-07:00

I sat down silently

looked around the room

I promised to be friendly

so I smiled right at you

your eyes lit up, you waved right back

and then I turned away

it took a minute

to meet my best friend that day

Three years ago

three years too short

but now it seems so long ago

you meant everything to me

I just didn't let it show

I jumped on stage

you followed close behind

You never walked away

when I had something on my mind

my best friend

my other half

You cry, I'd cry

then try to make you laugh

I had your smile through the good times

your shoulder through the bad

I have some silly picture

of every memory we had

You were there when Alicia died

even when I couldn't cry

you were there when I said

"I'm fine"

Because you knew it was a lie

I remember sitting through play practice

crying by your side

I was falling apart

you promised not to leave my life

You listened to my mistakes

told me what wasn't right

you read everything I wrote

when I couldn't sleep at night

You got angry when I told myself

I wasn't anything at all

you walked by my side

falling behind to catch my falls

You know my deepest secrets

how to break through my shell

you never got tired of me

you know me too well.

and then I changed,

I became someone you didn't know

I drifted

You watched me go,

we still spoke

but not enough

yet you stood with me

when things got touch

suddenly

those summer memories

seemed so far away

suddenly you looked at me

and didn't know what to say

I glared at you

I threw three years out the window

why?

I don't know.

And now you're gone

because of

stupid

mouth.

I stumbled upon some photographs

while cleaning today

birthday parties

acting competitions

you're everywhere but here

I just wanted to say I'm sorry

I'm making a change

for the better this time.

I wont have you by my side this next year

I won't have a shoulder to cry

Looking back on all of this

I never said goodbye,

I Just Realized...

2010-07-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

When, I'm famous I'm not afraid or worried about forgetting anyone. I'm more afraid of everyone forgetting me.

What Time Is It? RANTING TIME.

2010-07-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

I hate people who can't let go, people who can't move on and go with the flow.

What does holding a grudge against someone do for you? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. All it does is make you feel worse and worse. You silently drive yourself crazy. The other person most likely gave up and doesn't care anymore. Or thought both parties had moved on. But GAH. It happened, yes. People make mistakes. But you have to realize that you make mistakes too, you mess up, say things you don't mean, do pointless things. Everyone does. EVERYONE. So why is it so hard for you to just move on? Wouldn't you want someone to let it go?

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO POINT IN STAYING MAD FOREVER AT SOMETHING THATS EFFING RIDICULOUS. NO POINT. AT ALL.

Unless it makes you feel somewhat better about yourself giving someone so much shit they're going to explode.

It's pointless.

I've had people do some really messed up things to me. And I mean REALLY messed up things. But I realize that I've made similar mistakes, and when they apologize I forgive them.

I don't forget. But I don't hold grudges. I LEARN. I Use that experience to make a change. Not stay pissed off for the rest of my life.

....people these days.

LET. IT. GO.

I Hate What You Are To Me.

2010-07-29T15:53:00.001-07:00

I hate how you see the tear stains on my eyes
From crying the night before
I hate how you look through my mask
As if I'm an open door

I hate how you worry about me
When I say I'll be okay

I hate when you're afraid

my scars won't go away
I hate it when you tell me it'll be alright
When i'm wondering if I'll make it through the night

I hate it when you're there for me
No matter what I break, say, or do
I hate how you have my trust
You.

And only you.

I hate the times we laugh
I hate when you make me smile
When you take my mind off life
Even for a little while

I hate it because I hate myself
For not being as good to you
You're so much better off with someone else
But you stick it through

I wish I knew when you were upset
So I could catch your tears
I wish I could see through you
So I could fight away your fears

I can't be
What you are to me

I hate how you're amazing
Something I can't compare to
Because I love you.

GUESS WHO GOT HER BEST FRIEND BACK? :D

2010-07-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

"Say you want me dead
I promise I won't leave you Jess"
Damnit, I believed you.
Now that's the only thing in my head.

I make mistakes I can't count
I won't let a good thing last
Assume
That's all I ever do.
I'm a bitch I know.
There's not a chance that I don't blow.
I'd rewrite the past if I could
I can only throw it behind me
And wish you would.

I miss listening to the radio
Talking 'bout the songs we'd know
I miss up till four am
Talking to Daniel and you
We meant to print it but forgot to
I miss listening to you vent
About some girl on your mind
I miss bullying kids into doing drugs
Your hugs.
I miss writing poems in class
What we'd write about
Being published, and freaking out.
I miss when you'd ask what's wrong
Knowing I wouldn't tell you
You helped me pull through

I can't sleep, I can't close my eyes tonight
Until I try to make this right
Want me gone? I'm gone.
Bags packed
But all I want is my Poem Buddy back.

They say all great things
Come to a greater end
I miss you as
Just
Best
Friends.

I Never Ever Told You.

2010-07-28T02:03:00.000-07:00

I never sent this poem. I should have. But I didn't. Of course not. Why would I?
But now, I feel like an idiot....

You've stood by my side
When the world walked away
You promised me over and over again
That you would always stay.
And for once in my life
I'm not running.
I've found my best friend.
And I promise to be by your side
Until the end of the end.

It can't be good that your smile
Makes me dizzy in the knees
It can't be good your voice
Makes my mind freeze
Your eyes wrap me up
Give me a million and one butterflies
You said you'd always be there
And you never lie.
You've made mistakes, I know
But I have too
With you by my side
Maybe I can pull through.

It can't be good you like me too
We all know how that ends
One minute so in love
The next I've lost my best friend
But I promise you
That won't ever happen.
Because I've never had someone
I'm so afraid to lose
I've never had a best friend
Who loves me like you do.

Replacement.

2010-07-28T01:40:00.000-07:00

He hugs me, I want you
His eyes don't sparkle like you
He says the sweetest things
Constantly making my day
But it's everything
I wish YOU'D do and say

Normally I'd shove away
Any other guy
Then I thought back to tonight
All the tears I cried.
I thought back to what you said
How you lied.

I wondered what hurt more
1)Knowing you don't
2)Never did
Or 3) you won't.

It hurts enough as it is
His smile numbs the pain
He's my umberella
When you turn me gray
Make me rain

But he's no you.
He'll never make me smile like you do
But it's over.
You're gone
I'm moving on.
No more me and you
You didn't have to tell me
I already knew.

Tonight I Wanna Cry - Keith Urban.

2010-07-28T01:27:00.000-07:00

I know Ive said this before, but I don't know why I do the things I do.
Maybe I see something good, someone I love, someone I care about, and my first instinct is to push them away. Because I try not to get too attached. But this time I didn't do that. I let someone in. I trusted them more than myself.
And of course, he's gone.
How do I feel? I feel....well, like an idiot.
And I just can't stop crying.
Because it's all my fault. The ONE person who meant the world to me. The person I've tried so hard not to lose.
That person is gone.
When I don't care, I push them away.
When I do, they leave.
Maybe I'll just be a lonely person for the rest of my life. Why waste time on people? No one stays. Nothing last.

Maybe I threw our friendship out the window
washed it down the drain
maybe it jumped
but I can't stop the pain

I've got a sad song on repeat
Tear stains on my bedsheet
I've got your promises in my head
they're playing over and over and over again

Assume
assume
assume
that's all I ever do.

And then I open my stupid mouth.
Tear everything apart
look at the mess I made.
I'm the one who broke my heart.

Thanks For Wasting Three Years Of My Life.

2010-07-25T01:26:00.001-07:00

Memories are playing
A film in my mind
The memories we lost
The ones we can't find

Your advice echos
Your smile remains
I never thought losing you
Would cause me this much pain

I looked up to your perfection
Wanting to be that way
There are so many things
I forgot to say

But the things I never said
Fell out of our head
through every memory we shared
You never cared

Why can't I erase it?
What you said to me today?
Why can't I shake it?
Your words won't go away

You tell me friends are like presents
Pretty paper and bows
What's on the inside
You sure don't know

You said sometimes you don't like the inside
The gift you've got
But you put up with it
Whether you like them or not
.....like you've done with me.

Was I a game?
Did you talk to pass the time?
You didn't want me in your life
I need you in mine.

I can't stop crying
I should've known all along
If you don't want me
Fine.
I'm gone

You could have told me
Instead of living a lie
Because nothing hurts more
Than your silent goodbye.

I Am Human.

2010-07-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

I am human
I make mistakes.
I get knocked down
I bend
I break
but I get up each time
I grow stronger through the fall
And its the climb back to the top
That makes me
But its the fear of falling
That can easily break me

I am human.
I am as unfixable
As I am invincible
My hair falls out of place
I've had my share of coffee stains
I say unreasonable things
I regret them the next day
I bend
I break
But I am human.
And I learn from my mistakes.

That Was Me?

2010-07-23T02:38:00.000-07:00

Days of shadow stepping

and tree climbing

seem so distant now

a separate life

that was me?

I look into this photograph

a concrete memory

I look into my eyes

She looks nothing like me

her sunlight hair

her eyes are dancing

her smile singing

she's on her way away

definition of happy

that was me?

The sleepovers every night

being princesses in my back yard

Ballet classes

I still have a picture of us

our matching leotards

I set the photograph down

shake away my other self

my separate life

who I was

she has my eyes

I can't imagine being anyone

other than I am now.

that was me?

End Of Writers Block = Thought EXPLOSION

2010-07-23T02:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I miss being a little kid. I miss the days when everything was always alright. I'd never imagined I'd be standing as I am right now. I was someone else.

We all are though. Right? I mean, adults aren't like their teenage selves. So, I'm teenagers aren't like their child selves? At least I'm not. I had the perfect life. I had what I wanted, what I needed.

And then everything changed faster than I could blink. While everything around me fell apart, I held myself together. I don't quite know how I was so together, I had my own invisible super glue. I saw my mom cry and pushed my tears far away so she wouldn't see. So no one would see.

I left my perfect home.

Watched my perfect family fall apart.

My mom and "dad" got divorced, and that led to me being fatherless. It brought up the point that I've always been fatherless, he was just temporary in my eyes at age 11. He was there for a while, and then he would leave. But I had gotten used to the Temp, I had begun to like the Temp. I called him Dad and he left. He left, I followed, we fought, and then I left. Funny how that worked out.

I haven't a clue where I'm going with this, but I might as well just keep on at it. I have nothing better to do anyhow.

But I've lost my train of thought.

Subject change...kind of,

back to life being unexpected.

When I was little, I would imagine growing up like it was a fairytale. I couldn't wait to cross the street on my own. I impatiently waited for my mom to buy me eyeliner, give me a curfew, take away my bedtime. I remember when she told me I could go to sleep whenever I wanted. I stayed up until 11:05 that night just to feel like she trusted me.

But even since those days, things have changed.

Just a year ago, I wouldn't have seen myself right here typing this. I thought I would still be friendless, I thought I would still be the timid girl who stood back and watched the world behind her smile. The girl who chose to be herself around only a few select people, but she had best friends. She trusted everyone with everything, because she hadn't been let down as much. She would runaway from emotions. She hated herself for letting her best friend die...

where did she go? Sometimes I go back and read old poetry and journal entries and think to myself that in my case, change is the best thing that could ever happen. I did not care about anyones feelings, I would log onto facebook and blow off any cries for help, as if their pain wasn't as real as mine.

I was so wrong.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I squint a little. Trying to catch a glimpse of what so many people see. Because I sure don't see it- of course not. I see a mess, but doesn't everyone? Don't we all see something other than whats real when we look in the mirror?

Now when I look at my arm in the sunlight, I see scars from my own worst nightmare, myself. I've grown stronger, and they shall stay scars, they will stay closed. But they're there.

My hair changes colors monthly.

I'm an insomniac.

I have friends.

I've fallen in and out in love, just to find out it wasn't love at all. But haven't we all?

I hide behind my hair.

I'm there for anyone who needs me. I've disliked someone almost to the point of hate, and stood up until 3AM talking to them about their problems. Why? I don't know. But I did. And do I regret it? Nope.

I write and write and write and MEAN IT. Yeah, I've always written. But what I wrote I never read, because it was all rubbish about some boy.

Now I have some boy. And I can call him my some boy. And I am my some boys some girl. And we are two some people. In some big world.

I have dreams bigger than myself, and I can't seem to figure out how to reach them yet, they're buried in the stars.

Thoughts of earth worms and tree climbing are out of my sight now. Though, I used to be the best tree climber on the block. Random fact: I was fearless.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE.

I wish I could write forever, but eventually my thoughts get so scattered there is absolutely no point in trying to organize them in print.

I guess it's not the way you always planned it, looks like you're heading for a crash landing. At least thats the way it looks from where I'm standing.

Writers Block....can't even think of a clever title...

2010-07-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

You're a true friend, you're here till the end. You pull me aside when somethin' ain't right, talk with me now and into the night, till' it's alright again. You're a true friend.

I know it's Hannah Montana...Miley Cyrus..whatever you choose to call her, I KNOW.

But I like that song, although it's pushing me farther into writers block...

"I wish i can take your pain away

I wish i can take your blame

I want to take everything off your shoulders, and drop them onto mine.

I want you to be free,

Where no one can hurt you

I'll deal with it all

So you can enjoy your day

I dont care how long i'll have to do it

A day, weeks, months, or years

I deal with it untilll i die

I'm doing all this for you

So you can be happy(:

I'm sorry that all it happens to you

But i'll be there for you

Day or night

And i mean it.

So dont worry

Its Summer

Go have Fun

I'll deal with this Bullshit"

-Jayden :D

Well Put

2010-07-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

"Do you know what the stupidest word in the English language is?"

"Butt?"

"No..LOVE. It's thrown around so much. You love everything, pizza, your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend. In one language it means Zero."

Well put, Mr. May. Well put.

He was right, I laughed when he said that. Giggled at the thought of it being pointless. He didn't understand what I thought I did. I figured without the word, how would we let people in on out love? He was married, he must tell his wife he loves her everyday. Right? So how could he dislike such a word? Such a powerful word.

I was wrong. You don't have to say it, you show it. I hardly use that word now, but people know.

And you feel it as well. My god, what a feeling!

Not like I have any room to voice my opinion, since I have never felt that great feeling.

I don't think at least. Maybe I have, maybe the fact that I have one person on my mind while writing this means I do feel that. Maybe me not wanting to hurt him so I'm waiting for him to hurt me means I do.

But young love is such dumb love.

I'm rambling now. You can tell I'm rambling just by the very fact that I am skipping lines. For when I ramble I have short bursts of idea, and then quickly move on. Not like I had the slightest clue what exactly I was writing about in the first place.

But thats not the point.

I might as well stop with this whole blogging at one in the morning thing, but writing is my drug. Therefor, I shall keep at it. For I was on the verge of tears at the beginning of this, and now I feel loads better. How nice.

I am in misery, there aint nobody who can comfort me. Why won't you answer me? The silence is slowly killing me..

Well put, Maroon 5. Well put.

A Broken Heart.

2010-07-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

A broken heart is hard to mend
As truth is so easily bent
A broken heart leaves gaps and holes
One for each time
Those three words were told
I have the secret, the key
To recovery
I must warn you before I share
The gaps and holes will stay right there
A broken heart you can't fully repair
But I promise
Once you do this
The hurt will be gone
To mend a broken heart
You must move on.

It's Funny

2010-07-16T18:15:00.001-07:00

It's funny
How you're gone
Until I am too
How you shove me aside
Until you can't pull through

How you roll your eyes
Until I roll mine back
How my thoughts are opinion
And yours are fact

It's funny how you treat me
Until I walk away
How you find it in you to listen
When I have nothing more to say

April 5th. 11:50PM....

2010-07-16T17:44:00.001-07:00

Sparks fly, light the room
I'm done trying to talk to you.
What's the point? You're gone.
I don't know what else to do.
Mistakes weigh us down
Heavier than memories
What about the good times?
Laughing at our hopes and dreams
We've drifted away
Our tracks can't be retraced
I'm still running from the truth
How am I so easily replaced?
I meant that little, huh?
You didn't need me at all
I'm done trying to talk to you.
I'm done with your walls.

Goodbye Best Friend

2010-07-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

My heart didn't stop
I didn't leak a tear
I didnt reach out and stop you
Because I didn't need you here

I actually cracked a smile
Let out a sigh of relief
Gave you the finger
With you gone I could breathe

I thought it was another joke
That we'd be okay the next day
I figured it couldn't end
So I watched you walk away

When you didn't turn around
When you kept walking on
That's when it hit me
My Other Half was gone

For a second I wanted to call your name
Tell you to come back to me
But then I realized
That you still wouldn't see

So I just stood there
I didn't know what to say
Because part of me
Didn't want you to stay

And I knew things would be different
And you felt it too
You didn't have to tell me
I already knew

Stars.

2010-07-16T17:24:00.001-07:00

I watch the darkened sky
Stars shining, or airplanes flying?
They used to be the same
But now my stars are playing games

I think I've got one, found a shining star
Then I see it move away
Before I know it, it seems so far
I used to see them in a different way

I would watch the stars
Lighting up the sky
I would stare up there for hours
And never wonder why
I could create pictures
Craft paths, faces, places
Whatever crossed my mind
But now as I stare
They're all so hard to find

My stars were never stars, it seems
They were all airplanes, ready to fly
They never planned on staying
They left my black blue sky
I want to count stars again
Turn them into art
I miss counting stars
We never felt too far apart

As I stare up at the sky
I wonder where they went
I wonder where I went
If they were shooting stars
Did they get the wishes I sent?

My stars don't sparkle, they fly away
To maybe just maybe, cross my path one day
I guess there's no such things as stars
Only airplanes ready to leave
I remember when I was a dreamer
When I found it in my heart to believe.
But things happen.
So no more counting stars for me.

I've Sent This To Too Many People...

2010-07-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

I know where you stand
I've been there before
Where you keep yourself in prison
Even with an open door

You admit defeat
And let yourself fade away
The pain is too unbearable
To live another day

Your whole body is numb
And your heart is empty space
Everyday is a challenge
That you're too tired to face

Just know that I have been there
I know how you feel
I promise if you keep going
Every wound will heal

It seems so very easy
To end your life tonight
But remember if things can't get any worse
Then there's room to make things right

To Jackie :)

2010-07-16T00:18:00.000-07:00

I know it's not your birthday anymore
and I probably should have written this before
right now
but I thought i'd write a poem
to cheer you up somehow

You're awesome
that rhymes with blossom
but I'm not going to use that word
because that'd just be absurd.

On a more serious note.
Jackie
You're dope
I don't know what dope means
But I think it's good
ah
that didn't rhyme like it should.

Anywho
Like peanut butter and jelly
I need you.
You're one of the best friends
I've had in a while
somehow
you know when I need a smile
You're there when I'm up
you're there when I'm down
No matter where or what
you're always around
Thanks for listening to my hurt
the stupid things I blurt
I wish I could be as great to you
as you are to me
because like I said
...peanut butter and jelly.

Happy birthday
to an awesome friend
just wanted to tell you
I'm here till the end
:D

When My Minds Not Overthinking, My Heart Is.

2010-07-15T01:46:00.000-07:00

"What are you gonna do?"
"I can't hurt him. So I'll wait and let him hurt me instead."

Where did THAT come from?
My heart.
Because I care way more than I had originally planned. I don't mind being heartbroken as long as he's okay.
Not because I love him or anything.
But because he's my best friend.
And NOTHING kills me like seeing my best friend anything but happy.

City Bus.

2010-07-14T02:09:00.000-07:00

I wanna hop on a city bus
Vent to the first stranger I see
Talk
Talk
Talk
They won't mind me.
Some silly girl
With a mind full of secrets
Letting them out
So maybe she'll forget

What does a stranger see
After they hear what's in me?
A girl who hopes her dreams
Will land among the stars
She's not what she seems
But she's hiding the scars
Someone passing through
With the bright seattle lights
Fading into the distance
She doesn't know where she's going
But she'll be alright

Clicking my heels against the floor
A beat with my words
Telling my story
While we stop, twist, and turn
Secret after secret
Story after story
Click clacking
I hope I'm not too boring

"My life is like a movie
I watch
But don't care enough to save myself
On the very edge of my seat
As if I'm someone else"
"Yeah.
Mhmm.
Sure"
"But time is a blur"
"yeah
Mhmm
Sure"
"I go weeks thinking it's Tuesday
Wake up feeling wasted away
I don't feel a thing at all
Sometimes I trip
For the thrill of the fall"
"yeah
Mhmm
Sure"

And when we stop
Where I get off
I click clack down the aisle
No eye contact
No smile
They must think i'm crazy
But in the end
I'll never see my life saver again.

My Only Friend

2010-07-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

How is it my only friend

Is this paper

And pen in my hand?

The words best friend

Has lost it's meaning

We all say the words

Without feeling

It's been twisted

Into nothing

Manipulated by betrayal

Thrown around

Like love

Hate

Friendship is a game

A show

Put on like a smile

Hiding the pain

How is it every ounce

Of trust

I've ever had for anyone

Has chipped away

Been turned to rust

How is it

My only friend

Is the words on my hand

My only friend

That I can count on

Until the end.

Proof

2010-07-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

I shove my tears farther back

Until they're falling down my throat

Gripping my heart
I'm being stabbed in the chest
In one breath
I'm a train wreck

I try to pull them back again
But my tears keep coming
They're proof that I'm hurting
My tears are bullets
Acid on my cheeks
The way they fall
Proves to me I'm weak

There comes a time
When I stop smiling
The weight of the universe
Finally breaks me

My world is spinning
Faster than I can comprehend
I have no one to lean on
No real friends.

That's when the tears come
Proof that I'm not strong
The strain on my heart
That's been building up for too long
I'm a hurricane
My chest stings
I hate it when my eyes rain

It's written in mascara smudges
Clouding my eyes
Proof in the stinging sensation
Pulsing through my heart
Every second I cry

The secrets I've tried to hard to hold inside
Are no longer mine when I cry

My tears are proof
That even I cry
Proof
That I'm alive
and sometimes
I can't hide.

If I Can't Make Myself Smile...

2010-07-12T16:15:00.000-07:00

I might as well brighten someone's day.

That's what I'll do...

Broken Radio

2010-07-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

"I need to tell you something you probably don't want to hear."

"Okay."

"I kinda like someone else."

"...oh. Who?"

"******** *******....just a bit....sorry):"

"So not me anymore? That was fast. Okay. As long as I don't lose you as my best friend..."

There was more. In the end it's still me and only me. But why can't I just forget that? That conversation is a broken radio in my head. It just won't stop.

Why?

If things are so good right now, why can't I forget?

Runner

2010-07-11T00:06:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering if I can hold you forever

or if you'll end up pushing me away

hitting the ground

cold as you

begging you to stay

but it will be me

I'm the one who runs away.

Late Night Poetry. Oh yes.

2010-07-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

The words wont stop replaying

over

and over

and over again

why can't I just wish it away

pretend you didn't mean what you said

I tried so hard to hold on

but you're so difficult

so slippery

holding onto you

is grasping mist

falling through the cracks

of my foolish hands

You looked me in the eyes

promised me forever

I didn't read between the lines

realize that meant never

best friends

that word means

nothing to me

a phrase tossed around

twisted into something

without a meaning

I shake it away

but it just comes back

over

and over

and over again

I just can't forget what you said

Insignificant

2010-07-10T17:46:00.001-07:00

I went to the beach today. And then afterwards I went to the park with Jessie. I missed her.

Walking home, I tried to get lost kind of. I knew where I was supposed to go, where I was supposed to turn, not turn. But I knew that if I just didn't turn I'd get home eventually anyways. So I just walked. My flip flops made it a bit difficult for me to walk, so I flopped around Burien all day. Well, more like an hour.

It started as not turning, then I ended up doing everything in my power make my trip home as long as possible. The heat is intoxicating to me, the sun seeps into my pores and makes me do things I know I'll regret. I wanted to soak in the sun for as long as possible.

I've always wanted to be able to just walk around without reason. But I've been afraid of looking like an idiot wandering around alone aimlessly. But today it occurred to me that I am insignificant. No one who drives by even looks at me, if they do they only see a person walking. They don't question my motives, my destination, they see someone walking and think 'I shouldn't hit that person' I felt free knowing I could wander around alone without feeling awkward. I turned around in the middle of the street wondering if anyone thought about that. They probably didn't. I liked this. I liked being invisible. It didn't matter where I turned, crossed the street, or stopped, no one cared. They only cared if me getting from point A to point B interfered with them getting to their destination. If I had walked in the middle of the street, pressed the cross walk button a thousand times and walked away, or tried to hitch hike, they would have noticed me. But I was invisible because I was allowing myself to blend in.

I've always hated being alone. Something I cant stand without good reason. I just don't like it. But walking around I thought of all the people I could be walking with, and no matter what it would have been awkward because I wouldn't have said much. I like to think while I walk. I can't think and speak at the same time. Yes I can. I do that often. But what I mean is I can't speak without sounding like an idiot and think at the same time. I've never been so content with loneliness.

I didn't think much while taking the long way home, I hardly thought at all. Weird. Me, the overthinker. Just let myself be at peace for an hour.

A few minutes before I got home, I started coughing. I tried to stop, but I just kept coughing.

Then I realized something inside of me didn't want to be invisible.

It's Not Tuesday?

2010-07-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

I went all week thinking it was tuesday.

And I woke up thinking it was Sunday.

I forgot my best friend's birthday.

I lost my eyeliner. But only after I did one eye. So I look like an idiot.

I need to get out of the house

I painted one hand of my nails, but ignored the other one. One is beautiful. The other is NOT.

I don't know why I'm writing this.

I googled 'How to write a blog' because I don't know what I'm doing. It was no help.

I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad.

My phone is next to me.

My mom should hurry up

I haven't been eating much lately. NO, I don't have an eating disorder. I just haven't been very hungry. Weird.

I'm typing with my arm leaning on the side of the desk. And it hurts my wrist. But not enough for me to do anything about it.

You shouldn't judge a celebrity unless you've walked in their shoes

I'm very OCD about typing, I've noticed.

I kicked my radio the other night. It was being a bully.

I'm hungry right now.

There are no clouds outside, how depressing. I like clouds. ALL clouds. But I really love the really fluffy white ones that contrast with the sky.

I'm supposed to go to the beach with my best friend today. I don't think that's gonna happen anymore. Mad face.

I have two Facebook messages, a Tweet, and a comment approval on MySpace that I'm too lazy to check,

My phone has been going off for ten minutes.

I wish I had red hair. Because I have green eyes. And lots of purple shirts.

I wish I could talk to ****** right now. But he's busy. So I can't.

My mommy has a Yoda on her scooter. It's cool.

Yup. Just lost my ride to the beach.

Now what?

Four Tweets now.

I have to eat lunch now.

It's hard to type and eat at the same time.

I Write Poems In My Head All The Time.

2010-07-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

Baby, you know I'm trying

but it's getting unbearable

I can't stop crying

I can't lose you

I won't lose you

you're the one in my mirror

best friend is an understatement

yet the end is nearer

I'm holding onto mist

losing my foolish grip

and I just can't stand this.

Lame.

It's Hard To Dance and Type At The Same Time

2010-07-09T19:46:00.001-07:00

I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad

I'm a hip hop queen, a rock and roll dream, it's all bling bling, I'm the star of the scene

Buy all the things I never had

yeah, check me out, see what I'm all about

I wanna be on the cover of Forbes Magazine

I'm the one that you want, the one you can't have

smiling next to Oprah and the queen

the girl that you call who doesn't call back

Oh, every time I close my eyes, I see my name in shining lights

just look at me

A different city every night

I've got everything

Oh, I swear, the world better prepare for when

I'm a billionaire

....and then I woke up.

Billionaire - Travie McCoy/Bruno Mars

Then I Woke Up - The Clique Girls

I obviously have way too much time on my hands.

I should join the Highliners. I NEED to join the Highliners. I need to act. Pretend. I miss being on a stage and completely forgetting myself and being someone else.

Ugh.

I have nothing important to write about.

Nothing.

At.

All.

Bruno Mars has the most beautiful voice on the planet. He doesn't need music.

It's easy to sing to and soothing.

I wrote a poem today. I didn't plan on writing it, I don't even know where it came from. I wrote it in the box where you type your Facebook status.

What if I wrote my life down
with pen and paper
wrote down every mile
documented every smile

what if I wrote it down
so I could know reality
it all happened
Wrote it to get it out of me

would I look back on my story
when I've grabbed a new canvas
would I realize
how everything was different
looking through my eyes

Everyone has a story
But I can't seem to find
the words
to tell you mine

What if I wrote down every thought
Blooming inside of me
what if an eraser
was all I'd need

I couldn't write a story
I can't write my mind
because there are words
I have yet to find
so many mountains
I have yet to climb
I don't have an eraser
to fix my mistakes
so I'll leave it
Unwritten

I wrote one last night too,

Every minute
Of every day
I lose another piece
Of my everything

The words that slide off your tongue
Used to wrap me up
Give me a high
Now they're nothing
But a beautiful lie

I'm no one special
I've got that figured out
Why keep pretending
I'm something
When I'm nothing
I'm no one special
When those words
You say them
To everyone.

Why waste your time?
Why waste mine?
Because the truth
Hurts alot less
Than knowing a lie.

I'm no one special
A bump along the road
But you
You're everyone special
And I feel like a fool
For caring so much.

When I Iook at you
I hate to say I'm done
But it's not special
If it's not me
It's everyone

You're no one special
that's my attempt at a lie.

Yeah, the second one has a story behind it. A stupid boy behind it. A stupid heart behind it.

The second one has a lot behind it. A lot more than a few words.

It has three words behind it.

Three words can't fix this anymore.

Yeah, I did just quote Amber Pacific.

Happy 5th of July

2010-07-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

Fourth of July used to be my favorite holiday. It meant the thrill of fireworks all night, shorts and tank tops and sweaters. It meant sitting on my porch, running from spiders. Writing my name in smoke from sparklers. Popsicles and lemonade. It meant laughing as my mom ran from sparks, and booms lighting the dark.

Now it means sitting in a crowded kitchen watching a fireworks show, no popsicles. No spiders(thank god) or sparklers. Just watching. Then leaving.

Around my house is silent. The only sound is trees rustling and the occasional firework. No laughter or sparks flying.

I miss those days.

What happened?

Dear, You Know Who You Are

Do you remember when we met? I do. I remember like it was yesterday. Sometimes I even think it was yesterday. Then I remember that if it was, I'd still have you.

But I can recall every last thing about meeting you. Because it was something I wasn't expecting. I never thought someone could just walk into my life, and fix me. I thought it had to be more complicated than that.

It took a months for you to earn my trust, and now I worry about what you're going to do with it. I get sick just thinking about what you can do. But you worked so hard to earn it, and you're smart. Straight A's. I can't imagine anyone wasting so much time just to let it burn away.

Although, I also can't imagine why anyone would waste their time on me. I'm not worth the effort. Not at all.

Maybe you're crazy.

I know I am. I don't know where I'm going with this. I tend to get a bit off track.

Back to trust, I trust you with my life. I've never been one to hand out trust like pieces of gum. I'm more of a person who holds back, unable to trust herself.

Then you came along and made my life a lot easier.

I miss you.

and Thanks.

I just realized I started writing this about one person

and then half way through I started writing about another.

This Didn't Start Out as a Poem

2010-07-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

I've realized I find hope in music

the words are all I have to hold onto sometimes.

when I'm losing it

losing grip

starting to slip

Music and lyrics

have never let me down

always in my mind

replaying in my heart

When the world has left my side

I keep music in my mind

So I can forget

and leave them all behind

until the song is over.

until everything

is over

To: A Lot Of People....

2010-07-05T16:22:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for hurting you

I'm sorry for the monster

I've turned into

I'm sorry for leaving

not turning around

I'm sorry for having opinions

without a sound

I'm sorry I did this

I'm sorry I messed up

sorry it took this long

for me to fess up

Everyone makes mistakes

what if you were in my shoes

making mistakes

the way I do

I know I never learn

I wish I could change

maybe I have

in the worst of ways

I understand if you delete this

if you turn your back on me

I messed up

and I'm sorry

I Constantly Contradict Myself.

2010-07-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

I should change the title of this to the incomplete thoughts of Jessica Perez.

I have alot of thoughts.

I just don't care enough about them to elaborate.

So, when I start writing, I only get a line out.

Then I think of that line as garbage and abuse the backspace.

I could think up a billion things that are completely unrelated, and just write them all down! It wouldn't make the slightest bit of sense, but I sure as hell could if I felt like it.

I always feel like it, actually.

Whenever I'm thinking, I think, I should write this down

Then I immediately dismiss the thought because I lack motivation.

I need a reason to keep writing in this little box

No one reads this

I don't even read it

absolutely pointless.

I could change font for each new thought.

I don't know quite why

but I

really

really

really

love to skip lines

New line

new thought

absolutely no

punctuation.

Please note that I did indeed make that period rather large to prove a point.

Was I supposed to change the font for that thought?

It was related to the previous thought so I figured I should skip two lines but keep the font the same

...this thought is also related to the previous two though...

Font thing - NOT WORKING OUT.

at all.

not even a little bit.

*sigh*

I have the most unimportant

boring

pointless thoughts

yet I'm still writing.

because I can't stop

well, I could stop

but my fingers would get all tingly.

What if I just stopped with this whole skipping lines thing? What if I typed like a normal person, and hardly ysed the enter key at all?

I'll have to try that sometime.

Theres this guy.

Who's my best friend.

but I like him.

It's nice.

I guess

I don't know,

But you know how I wrote those poems for Amber? About the guy she likes? I was totally thinking of the guy I like while writing them. . .

and I figure, either we'll grow stronger

or completely fall apart

lets hope for the first one

Fine....she can ignore me.

I'm tired of waiting for a reply I'm not going to get

waiting to fix something thats impossible

I can't stand not talking to her

but if this is how it's going to end

then

give

...I've never given up on anyone before.

I dont like it when someone is upset and I can't do anything about it. It makes me weak, powerless, like I'm letting them down. Whenever I see someone, anyone, who's hurting I try to help. Even if I'm just listening, I can't stand to see people in pain. Not physical pain, emotional pain...because I've been that person. The one who's never happy, who's always putting on a smile for everyone else. I've been through hell. And it kills me to see even people I hate feeling hopeless.

You'd think I'd avoid talking about those things completely because of the memories it triggers, everytime I flashback to the old me. The depressed me. Who wanted out of her body. Wanted out of her life.

Thank god I've changed. I had a friend who shoved me through tough times, and thats all I needed. Was someone to listen to me and tell me everything would be alright, someone to care about me when I couldn't make it through the night.

My best friend killed herself, maybe thats another reason why. Why I want to let everyone know that even when no one else does, I care about them.

I wasn't always like this...I've changed so much.

....I like orange.

To My Best Friend.

2010-07-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

They Say

They say it's so damn easy

forgive

forget

move on

but theres always regret

once you're gone

They say the foolish

forgive and forget

but theres no lessons learned

no tables turned

They say the wise

Forgive

but never forget

part of life

is moving along

...all my life

i've been so wrong

I always found it so damn easy

to let the small things in

to ruin something

before it can begin

I always have it in me

to forgive

everyone but myself

but I can't forget

so I put it on everyone else

Forgive

don't forget

but don't look back on this

as a regret

What doesn't kill our friendship

makes it stronger

right?

It's not a friendship without a fight

Because in the end

all of this

is a lesson learned

so forgive

but don't forget

and in a while

lets look back

and smile.

and they say it's so damn easy...

Dishes and Texting.

2010-07-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

I Don't know why I do the things I do. Everything just happens.

And I've been thinking about that alot lately. They say everything happens for a reason, so there must be a reason for me being who I am. For me to be loud and crazy when I'm upset. Or when I see someone who needs to talk, even if I hate them...I'm nice. And I listen.

Well, the second one, I think I do that because I've been through hell and don't think anyone deserves to feel as low as I have. I just....I don't know.

I'm such a boring blogger.

I just did dishes.

And by doing dishes, I mean I danced around my kitchen for two hours blasting the radio

Two thirds of the time, I was either dancing or changing the station.

I've never had more fun cleaning in my entire life.

I think I'll do dishes more often.

I feel like ranting.

You know what I hate? Like, alot?

When someone sends you a text, and you reply

and they don't.

Why text me in the first place?

AGGHHH.

I could be wasting my time talking to someone who actually wants to talk to me.

And it's always the person that I really want to talk to, but I won't talk to them unless they talk to me first. So I get all happy and bubbly...

for them not to respond.

Party pooper.

But then again, I do that ALL THE TIME to the people I talk to so much. But it's not like I'm ignoring anybody. I read their text message, I think about my reply..I just don't type it out. I think I typed it out, but I don't.

They must hate me as much as I hate them

perfect hate-hate relationship.

Am I the only one who pretends to text in awkward situations?

I'll be walking down the street, and whenever I walk past someone, I pull my phone out a good ten steps before I pass them.

Maybe it's only awkward to me, that person probably doesn't even think about me. But I still pull out my phone and act like I'm in the middle of an epic conversation. Sometimes I even smile at my phone and text really fast...

But I love it when people do that when they pass me.

'Cause I know what they're doing and it makes me feel less alone and really smart.

I'm such a hypocrite.

.....Purple used to be my favorite color.

Really Now?

2010-07-02T23:29:00.000-07:00

Since when am I open for poem requests?

I don't remember saying

"HEY. Tell me what to write about, and I'll write you a poem for the guy you're in love with."

Oh yeah, because I never said that.

Because I write poetry for me, and whats on my mind. MY therapy.

It's a release.

So why did I write those?

Because I am friendly and have an issue when it comes to saying no.

...Unless it's about drugs.

I say no to drugs.

Because my mom worked in rehab for a long time and I've had my fair share of lectures.

For Some Boy. From Amber. Written by Jessica.[YES. Another one]

2010-07-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

The way you've always been there

you know just what to say

your comfortable brown eyes

it all takes my breath away

I'm losing my ground

afraid to fall

hoping you wont play me

like you do basketball

butterflies flutter

through every inch of me

just thinking about

how beautiful we could be

You

my best friend

all I need is you

to be here till the end

my shield

when I'm not strong

you're the answer

when i'm wrong

I'm writing my heart

with this pen in my hand

hoping

just hoping

you'll understand

that I want to be

what you are to me

For Some Boy. From Amber. Written by Jessica.

2010-07-02T23:06:00.001-07:00

Your eyes,

they are my shelter

your smile is my light

when i'm in your arms

nothing feels more right

No one cares the way you do

after everything we've been through

maybe it's the way you look at me

set your gaze into mine

every moment we've spent together

replaying in my mind

No wall is strong enough

no barrier in between us

You are my protection

yet i'm still so afraid of rejection

I don't know about love

but you're the closest I'll ever be

I can't help but wonder

do you think the same of me?

I Don't Know Why I Do The Things I Do...

2010-07-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

Again?

Yes, again.

I completely forgot my username and password for LiveJournal.

And since I am Jessica, I decided the completely unreasonable solution to this problem would be not to click the 'Forgot Password' button, but to start over.

Here is my new blog.

That I will most likely forget about again. Maybe I wont. Yeah, I will.

Now what?

I could just sit and play with the font options.

No.

That would be a waste of time,

waste of thinking.

I didn't just start blogging for no reason.

I had a motive.

I just don't remember.